


Gudako, the Supreme Master of Chaldea

by sarin555



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Black Keys, Cooking, Crack, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Crossdressing, Crossover, Drama, Eggplant, F/F, F/M, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms References, Five Stars!, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Gilgamesh (Fate) Being Gilgamesh (Fate), Gudako - Freeform, Gudao - Freeform, Harems, Heartwarming, Historical References, Humor, Jojo's Reference!, Lie!, M/M, Made in Heaven!, Mapo Tofu, Meta, Multi, Rate-up!, Reset!, Slice of Life, The point!, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22225624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarin555/pseuds/sarin555
Summary: In a strange turn of event, both male and female Ritsukas manage to escape the sabotage of Chaldea. Unfortunately, during their Rayshift process to Fuyuki, the female Ritsuka ended up traveling through the collective Salt of humanity. Emerging on the other side was not a girl, but a monster, Gudako. God save Chaldea.
Relationships: Astolfo | Rider of Black/Fujimaru Ritsuka, Chevalier d'Eon | Saber/Fujimaru Ritsuka, Enkidu | False Lancer/Fujimaru Ritsuka, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Fujimaru Ritsuka, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Mash Kyrielight | Shielder, Fujimaru Ritsuka/Ushiwakamaru | Rider, Gudako/Gudao, Heroic Spirit EMIYA | Archer/Ishtar | Archer, Heroic Spirit Emiya | Archer/Arthur Pendragon | Saber, Heroic Spirit Emiya | Archer/Parvati | Lancer, Olga Marie Animusphere/Fujimaru Ritsuka
Comments: 29
Kudos: 76





	1. Birth of Gudako

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Just got into FGO (though I have been reading fics about it and F/SN for a while now), got Altera 5* in the first week, Vlad (‘Zerker) from GSSR, and Hokusai from New Year banner, all in less than a month. Suffice to say, I am hooked, even if some elements are a little archaic. Also, some elements will come from the manga ‘Fate Grand Order -turas realta-’.
> 
> Also greatly inspired by revdb’s ‘Insane Gudako’, goddessofshadows7212’s ‘Gudako and the Great Holy Grail War’, and ‘Untold Story: The Daily Life in Chaldea’ by Axel yamamoto. Though quite different from all of them. All on FF.net.

Today started great. She had become part of the forty-seven Masters Candidate of Chaldea, an organization created to prevent the fall of human history and order. It was supposed to be great.

That was, until an explosion occurred and knocked her out cold.

When she regained her consciousness, all she could see was a sea of flame surrounding her. She tried to get up and escape, but soon realized she was trapped under something. Fortunately, she could still feel every part of her body, meaning nothing was broken – or so she hoped.

Even so, she had to think of a way to get herself out of this situation fast. Her chance came with a shout.

“Oi! Is anyone alive! Oiii!” A male voice shouted, obviously trying to find any survivors.

“Help…” she whimpered. Maybe she wasn’t as best a condition as she had thought. “Help,” she said again, louder than before, but still too quiet. She took a deep breath and concentrated, gathering the air into her lungs. “HELP!!!” She finally managed to shout.

The response to her plea was a sound of footsteps quickly growing louder and louder. Soon, a boy with black spiky hair in white Chaldea Masters outfit (much like her own) and the familiar squirrel-like creature, Fou, came into her view.

“Oi, are you alright?!” He asked in panic as he knelt down to observe her.

She was trapped under a chunk of concrete; luckily, it didn’t crash down on her directly, but just hung above her close enough to render her immobile.

“I-I think I am fine, but I am trapped here,” she told him. Upon closer inspection, she recognized him by his cerulean eyes: He was the other candidate, the one who slept during Director Olga’s speech.

“Alright, I will try to lift it up, and you can crawl out.” He looked around, trying to find some tools to help out.

He spotted a sizable iron pipe and had an idea, running over to grab it and made his way back. The boy carefully jabbed the pipe into the crack between the concrete and another pile of rubble, before using the pipe as a lever and giving enough space for the girl to make her way out.

Once she was safe, he let go of the pipe, panting in exhaustion. It seemed strength was not one of his strong points.

“A-Are you alright?” The girl asked.

The boy looked back at the girl with an orange-red hair. Her light orange eyes continued to stare at him in concern.

“I-I will be fine,” he reassured. “But you should leave.”

“What about you?” The girl questioned.

“I…” he paused to take a deep breath. “I have someone I am looking for.”

The boy expected some kind of reply along the lines of ‘Are you insane?!’, ‘The person you are looking for is dead!’, or something like that; instead, he was completely caught off guard by the girl’s reply.

“Then let me help, we can cover more ground,” the girl offered. The boy was about to decline, not wanting another person to be caught up in this. “It’s fine, my injuries aren’t that bad.”

When another chunk of the ceiling collapsed down near them, he knew it was time to either accept her offer now and get that lavender-haired girl out of here, or try to argue and get all of them killed when the hall collapsed down on them.

So he nodded and ran off with his new friend to help him in his search. The sound of him and the girl shouting echoed in the ruined hall. [1]

“I found her!” the boy suddenly shouted for the red-haired girl to hear. 

She quickly ran to her friend and found him, Fou, and the person they were looking for: Mash Kyrielight, nicknamed Mashu, another fellow Candidate Masters. She smiled in relief they were both safe and was about to suggest making their escape.

That was until she noticed two blades of broken glass piercing through Mash’s belly. She gasped at the sight, allowing them to notice her presence.

“Ah… so you are… safe as well… I am so glad,” Mash breathed out with a sad smile. “Please… you two must leave… I am-”

She was cut off when another explosion rocked the chamber, and the flame which resulted from it quickly consumed their only exit.

“Oh…” Mash sighed in despair. It seemed all of the candidates would perish here.

The orange-haired girl herself felt the resignation to her fate weigh deep in her heart. She walked up to the pair and knelt down beside them. Mash and the boy offered their free hand to her since they were already holding hands with each other. She took them in each of her palms; no one deserved to die alone.

But she wouldn’t die here; she would transcend mortality!

A loud announcing voice suddenly boomed in the chamber, and soon, the large machine in the center of the room turned red; the CHALDEAS was at work. When the word ‘Rayshift’ was said, she soon knew there might be a chance for them yet.

_“Searching for qualified Master… Found. Candidate Number 47, Ritsuka Fujimaru, and Candidate Number 48, Ritsuka Fujimaru.”_

Eh?

_“Reset as Masters.”_

Both of them believed the machine was malfunctioning. After all, it had said their name twice… right?

There was no time for questions, however, as the Rayshift process had begun, and they were soon teleported away.

* * *

Doctor Romani Archaman, or just Dr. Roman for short, sighed in relief. It seemed they had managed to save three of the candidates just in time using Rayshift. Still, this was only the first half of the struggle. Now, they would have to survi-

“Doctor, there appears to have been a problem.” Of course there will be! “Ritsuka Fujimaru is sent off-course.” Oh, no…

Oh, wait...

“Umm, which Ritsuka Fujimaru?” the good doctor asked awkwardly.

The operator checked again. “The girl.”

“Right.” He really needed to check how two people end up with the same name in their database; he blamed the bureaucracy. “Where does she end up?”

“Umm, nowhere yet, sir.” 

What? 

“TRISMEGISTUS showed she is still being shifted.”

“And where is she heading?” Roman asked.

At that, the staff stopped what they were doing to look at each other in uncertainty. Finally, one of them was brave enough to speak.

“We… don’t know, sir.”

“Fuck.”

* * *

Ritsuka Fujimaru was experiencing something, one beyond human comprehension. The sensation she was feeling was like traveling through a storm, naked. It was turmoil, it was dark, it was carnage, it was chaotic.

The voices. The sound of cursing, of insult, of hate, rang loud within her mind.

 **“I AM OUT OF QUARTZ!”** One voice in this storm of conscious shouted.

 **“FUCK YOU, DELIGHTWORKS! LET MY WALLET REST!”** another cursed.

 **“RATE UP IS A LIE!”** another voice accused.

At first, Ritsuka could still make out what they said. Soon, however, the voices began to overwhelm her. The sea of thoughts, the storm of insanity – they were consuming her.

In truth, the Rayshift process was still in effect, but due to a strange malfunction, it has sent her through a dark place before she would end up in Fuyuki. This is a dimension where the energy of a certain type of human suffering gathered to create this abyss.

Salt.

Angst, worry, hate, and sheer-unadulterated rage all directed toward something so trivial that shouldn’t have been taken seriously, also known collectively as ‘Salt’, were used to form this dimension.

And our poor Ritsuka was now bathing in the collective salt of humanity.

**“SAKURA SUCKS!”**

**“I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY FOR QUARTZ!”**

**“FATE SERIES IS OVERRATED!”**

**“WHY CAN’T I GET SSR?!”**

**“WHERE IS JESUS AND BUDDHA SERVANTS!?”**

**“MAINTENANCE TAKES TOO LONG!**

“Stop,” she pleaded.

**“EMIYA SUCKS!”**

**“STOP SPOOKING ME, CURRY BOI!”**

**“LIKING ASTOLFO IS GAY!”**

**“LIKING TRAP ISN’T GAY!”**

**“WHY IS THE STORY PROGRESS SO SLOW?!”**

**“RIN SUCKS!”**

**“WE NEED MORE HENTAI!”**

“Please stop!” She begged again, but they did not cease.

**“STOP LEWDING THE KOUHAI!”**

**“NEED MORE MASHU NTR!”**

**“SABER SUCKS!”**

**“DON’T CALL HER SABER! CALL HER ARTHUR!”**

**“HAVE SOME GODDAMN FAITH, ARTHUR!”**

**“TYPE-MOON IS A BAD STUDIO!”**

**“WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT KARA NO KYOUKAI?!”**

**“SHINJI SUCKS- wait, you all agree?”**

“STOP!” Her screams fell on deaf ears.

It went on and on. The negative thought directed toward anything created or supervised by TYPE-MOON Studio kept assaulting her mind. She had a strong will, but there were dark influences behind these voices.

She would not emerge unchanged.

Yet, what came with insanity was knowledge. As she was forced to go through the storm of angst and fury, the screams and whispers told her secrets and knowledge no mortal should know: meta-knowledge.

It was due to some luck, however, that it was this part of the Salt Dimension which she ended up in. If she were to pass through the ‘Star Wars’, ‘Sonic’, or ‘Rick and Morty’ parts, her mind would be obliterated.

Eventually, an entity who ruled this place took notice of her. With a wave of its yellow fungi hand, Ritsuka was free from this tormented realm and be on her way to her intended destination.

Destiny had been altered to the point of no return, and this entity would look on with interest with its star-filled eyes.

* * *

In the burning ruins of Fuyuki City, a figure emerged in a burst of light. 

A humanoid creature with dark skin and a skull mask ran up to investigate what had caused the explosion. What it found made it pause.

Standing there was a… girl, no taller than a person’s waist. She had short orange hair and a side ponytail with an ahoge. Her head, eyes, hands, and feet were round and larger than a regular human’s. Her white outfit marked her as part of Chaldea organization. She possessed two orange eyes which, disturbingly, didn’t reflect any light. She looked like someone out of a cartoon, or anime, or a comedic chibi spin-off series of a popular gacha game.

The girl looked at the creature.

“Hmm, an Assassin Shadow Servant, eh?” She said in an eccentric, high-pitched voice. “I guess we all have to start at Fuyuki. Wish the devs would finally add skip tutorial function after all these years, it had been f-” She didn’t get to finish when the Shadow Servant decided to attack.

Before it clawed hand could make contact, however, the girl just punched through its chest. She then yanked out a silver treasure chest out of the hole she just made. Assassin could only stare with wide eyes as it faded away.

“Dang, just an Assassin Piece. Oh well, this is good enough for the first stage I guess,” she mused while checking the content inside of the chest.

The girl’s wrist device suddenly flared up.

 _“Hello? Can you hear me?”_ the voice of Doctor Romani boomed up.

She simply tapped a button on it, and the device projected a screen of Dr. Roman onto the nearby wall.

 _“Ritsuka, are you-”_ Romani’s smile of relief was quickly replaced by an expression of pure shock and confusion. _“Wha- What happened to you?!”_

“I just went through the collective salt born from every Fate series’ fans.”

_“W-What’s that supposed to mean?!”_

“Nothing,” Ritsuka said and pretended she didn’t just break the fourth wall. “Anyways, I am fine really. Can you tell me what to do?”

If those devs were not going to add the skip tutorial function, she might as well do the equivalent of skipping a cutscene. She just wanted to roll the gacha, dammit.

 _“Uh, umm…”_ Roman looked around the command center, still trying to figure out what had happened to the girl. _“R-right, just head east. Mashu and Rits-”_ the doctor paused. _“Sorry, you two have the same names so it is quite confusing. I am sure it’s the computer’s fault, but we really have to come up with some kind of codenames to call the two of you for now.”_

Ritsuka (female) was silent for a few moments, before she spoke the accursed name. “How about ‘Gudako’?”

Dr. Roman and the staff didn’t know why, but they felt a chill ran down their spine. _“R-Right, so Gudako for you then.”_

“And maybe Gudao for the guy,” Gudako added. “Now tell me, where are Gudao-kun and my little eggplant?”

* * *

Both Ritsuka (male) and Mashu suddenly felt a chill down their spine. They ignored that and focused on the conversation between Doctor Roman and Director Olga.

“Can you repeat that again, Doctor?”

_“Like I said, the other Ritsuka’s Rayshift path went off the course and it… seemed to have changed her.”_

Olga suddenly a sense of dread about the question she was about to ask, but swallowed them and asked away. “How so, exactly?”

“Hey, guys!” A voice shouted. They all turned to its source.

They saw Gudako ran toward them. Suffice to say, saying they were shocked was an understatement. Even after Gudako had finally stopped in front of them, none of them spoke a single word.

“What? Isn’t this part of the story voiced?” Gudako asked.

While that made no sense to any of them, it had managed to snap all of them back to reality.

“W-WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?” Olga asked while Mashu and Gudao could only stare in shock.

“Fate series happened. Fate/strange fake didn’t even end yet, but Fate/Requiem is already out. What a time to be a fan… as if FGO hadn’t taken all my money already.”

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!!” Olga shouted. She grabbed ahold of Gudako’s shirt collar and pulled the short girl up to her eyes level. “We are stranded in the middle of a burning city, with unknown Servants running amok, what do y-” 

The white-haired girl didn’t get the chance to finish when Gudako grabbed a hold of her collar and lifted the director even higher than Gudako’s height should allow.

“I think you should watch your language,” Gudako said in a voice devoid of emotions and empathy. “Want me to teach you a lesson?”

Olga Marie Animusphere could only stare into those orange lit-less eyes and felt one thing: fear from the bottom of her soul.

“Waaah! I-I am sorry!” she quickly apologized.

Gudako let her go. While she let the director recover, the orange-haired girl skipped toward Gudao and Mashu. “Are you two alright? Thanks for saving me back there, by the way,” she thanked.

“Y-yeah,” Gudao replied, uncertain at how to proceed with this whole ordeal. Mashu, meanwhile, was still in her dumbstruck state.

“By the way, Doctor Roman said your nickname is ‘Gudao’ from now on,” Gudako said.

“Gu-Gudao?” Gudao asked and pointed at himself. How very Gudao. “Why?”

 _“Umm, let me explain,”_ Romani spoke up, reminding Gudao the holographic projector was still on. The doctor then explained how there might be a flaw in the system which gave the two the same name, Ritsuka Fujimaru, and they had to call with code names for each of them, in which Roman emphasized it was Gudako who came up with the names. _“Are you okay with this?”_

“Yes, we are not in a position to be picky,” Gudao replied firmly.

“Ha, spoken like a true hero; truly a god-send protagonist,” Gudako commented. “Wonder if you will get a harem.”

“Umm, thanks?”

 _“Right, with that out of the way,”_ Roman was about to continue, but then he saw a rather anxious Olga. He immediately knew she had gone into a tsundere-mode and needed to get some attention. _“Director, could you please help guide them through the process?”_

The white-haired woman looked pleasantly surprised and quickly puffed her chest, before starting, “Right, in order to survive, we have to summon Servants. Do you know what they are?” Olga asked in Gudao’s direction.

“W-Well… no,” Gudao admitted guiltily while Mashu looked on with sympathy. He was an ordinary person before today, after all.

“Ugh, typical… first, you slept during my speech, and now you are telling me you don’t even know what Servants are? Fine, I will explain it to you, but I will have to be quick. Servants are…”

While Olga was explaining to Gudao, Gudako was forced to contain her excitement with all her willpower. She must remain in the role of the protagonist, she must be calm, kind, resourceful, capable, and more. She didn’t even pay attention to the Director; she did know all of this by heart, after all.

‘Breath in, breath out; just let the auto-mode play the story out, your patience will be rewarded with Tier One SR,’ she thought to herself – or rather, trying to convince herself.

“Do you understand now?” Olga questioned the boy. He nodded. “Good, then let us get on with it. Mash, can you prepare your shield for summoning? I will explain to Ritsu- Gudao here about the summoning process.” As the lavender-haired girl began setting up the ritual, Olga pulled out an asymmetrical rainbow-colored stone. “This is a Saint Quartz.”

With those two words, Gudako began to tremble; unfortunately, only Mashu noticed this. ‘This can’t be good,’ the kouhai thought.

“They are a general catalyst used to summon a Servant when no specific items are available. Because of this, there are chances you might summon something else instead of Servants, but nothing too dangerous, I assure you.”

‘Except Black Keys and Mapo Tofu,’ Gudako dreaded.

“So, don’t know who you are going to summon or what are you going to get? Sound like a gacha game.” Gudao shouldn’t have said that.

“GACHA!” Gudako roared, startling the others. “GACHA! CAN I ROLL THE GACHA!?”

In her shock at the outburst, and unwillingness to go against this abomination the second time, Olga just slowly nodded.

“YES! I GET TO ROLL GACHA AGAIN! FUCK YES! IT’S TIME TO ROLL! YAHOO!” Gudako began dancing around in excitement while screaming ‘GACHA!’. In fact, she danced so fast she split into four afterimages.

 _“U-um, while she was busy, I think you should summon first, Gudao-kun,”_ Roman spoke up as they all watching Gudako did her thing.

“R-Right.”

The boy steered himself away from his now, he presumed, insane colleague. 

There was already thirty Quartz laid on Mashu’s shield which had a summoning circle embedded on it. Gudao extended his hand and channeled his prana into the ritual. Soon, the circle began to shine with light as all the Quartz were consumed.

The light soon turned golden.

A figure came forth from the circle. They had pale blond hair and feminine face, dressed in teal Renaissance-style jacket and white tight pants along with a blue hat on their head, a saber and its sheath on their hip, and other fancy decorations. “I'm Chevalier d'Eon. A White Lily Knight who protects you and the French Royal Family. It is nice to meet you, Master.” [2]

“It’s nice to meet you as well,” Gudao greeted his first (four stars) Servant with a bright smile.

“Um, Master, if it’s not too much to ask. Can you explain what that is?” D'Eon slowly pointed behind Gudao. Everyone there dreaded to look back, knowing Gudako was behind them (and now multiplying even more). Luckily, they got an excuse to not look.

“W-We are not done yet,” Olga interrupted. “We are still in the summoning process, please step away from the circle.”

Chevalier looked to their Master who nodded, and Saber obliged.

What Gudao got in the next four summonings were a wide variety of things: a stone called ‘Fire of Wisdom’, two magical essences materializing in the form of a card, or a literal object, respectively, which Olga called ‘Craft Essence’ which could be used to strengthen Servants, and lastly, a dragon teeth which could be used in other rituals.

On his fifth summon, Gudao received another Servant.

A gigantic robot clad in steel stepped forth from the circle, looking down at Gudao with its single red eyes.

“My name is Steam King. I died once, and now my existence lives along in the imaginary world,” it said in a robotic voice.

‘So cool,’ Ritsuka (male) thought. For a boy like him, mecha was always cool.

“‘Steam King’?” Olga questioned the title. It was essential for them to know the Servants’ real name if they could.

 _“Charles Babbage,”_ Doctor Roman spoke up. _“That’s who our computer manages to read.”_

“Correct,” Babbage confirmed. “What is that unknown specimen?” The Steam King pointed behind them. Knowing what was there, they ignored his question – though if they dared to look, like Mashu and D'Eon, they would see a legion of dancing Gudako who kept shouting ‘GACHA!’

“...please ignore that for now, and step away from the circle,” Olga said and gestured for him to stand beside Chevalier. Babbage didn’t reply, merely moving toward Saber.

The summoning continued. After two more Craft Essences, Gudao managed to call forth another Servant.

A voluptuous woman with lavender hair, wearing a revealing black clothing and purple blindfold. “...you have strange preferences. If you require a sacrifice, do feel free to treat me as you wish.”

“Umm, okay?” Gudao wasn’t sure what to make of that introduction, not to mention her curve-hugging outfit making his face red. While they could not see her eyes, they knew immediately what she was looking at. “Just ignore it,” Gudao told her. They could ask her real name later.

At this point, the legion of Gudako had created a giant effigy of Saint Quartz, built from the ruins of Fuyuki, with hundreds of Gudako(s) surrounding and worshipping it.

Olga and Ritsuka continued with the summon, while everyone else could not help but stared at the impossible feat Gudako managed to pull off.

Next came yet another Servant, a scantily armor-clad girl with black long hair in a hime cut, short round thick brows, and a katana.

“Ushiwakamaru, visiting. I'll serve you as a samurai with my whole heart,” she greeted them.

Gudao blushed a little since her clothing didn’t leave much to the imagination. ‘Just how many Servants were skimpy clothes?!’ he thought. 

Unlike the others, Ushiwakamaru just moved away from the circle on her own, but that didn’t stop her from taking a pause to gaze upon the creation of the Gudako(s). 

They were in the process of sacrificing Shinji Matou to appease the ‘Gacha God’, after all.

Gudao just continued on, ignoring an agonizing (though somehow very satisfying to listen to) scream of the not-so-poor sod Gudako was sacrificing. This time, the light turned gold again.

Finally, with the last summon which shore with golden light, he received the last Servant. A man in his early adult years with white hair and tanned skin, dressed in a red long-sleeved jacket and black tight shirt underneath.

“Servant Archer. I answer to your summ-” Archer (EMIYA) paused, his expression changing from neutral to shock as he suddenly summoned for his blades. “Master, behin-”

But it was too late. Gudako was already upon her male counterpart. The male Master turned around, only to have his cheeks be grabbed by Gudako, her grip was strong enough to bend metal.

“HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET TWO FOUR STARS WITH YOUR BEGINNER ROLL! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU RE-ROLLED?! WHY ARE THERE NOT A SINGLE ONE STAR!? DID YOU HACK THE SYSTEM!? YOU CHEATING PRICE OF SH-” Something suddenly stuck Gudako over her head and knocked her out.

“Dangerous unknown specimen has been subdued.” It was none other than Charles Babbage’s metal hand which did it; he was a Caster renowned for being unconventional, after all – or among many Casters at least. “Requesting permission to proceed with extermination.”

Olga was about to agree to that, but Gudao said, “N-no, she is our ally!”

Every Servant, sans Mash, looked baffled.

“This… thing…” Archer pointed at Gudako on the ground. “…is a Magus?”

“Don’t call me ‘thing’, you ex-eroge protagonist,” Gudako’s head turned 180-degrees to look at EMIYA as she said that.

“Gah!?” Archer was, justifiably, freaked out. “What the hell are you?!”

“A protagonist, but I am sure you know what being one is like.”

Gudako levitated back to her feet with her head still twisted around. Once she was on her feet, her torso span around (with the sound of cracking bones) to match her face, and soon, her legs followed in the same manner.

Every servant there looked at Gudako then at their Master for his input. The boy gazed around. Feeling a responsibility on his shoulder, he responded, “As I said, she is our ally. I will explain how she became… like this later.”

With their Master’s decision clear, the Servants lowered their guard.

“As you said, my Master,” Archer affirmed and unsummoned his blades.

“It’s my turn to summon now? I have been itching to draw me some gacha,” Gudako interrupted. “Give me the Saint Quartz.”

“R-right.” Olga stepped forward to prepare for the summon. Gudao, meanwhile, accompanied Archer to his other Servants.

“EMIYA,” Rider greeted.

“Medusa,” Emiya greeted back.

“You two know each other?” Gudao asked. “And did you said ‘Medusa’? Like, the snake woman who can turn people to stone in the Greek myth?”

“The one and only,” Medusa said with a smirk. “There is a lot of exaggeration in myth and legend, my dear Master. As for how I knew EMIYA here, well… let’s just say we met in one of the Holy Grail War,” the lavender-haired woman explained.

“Out of curiosity, which one specifically?” Mashu inquired as she joined the group.

Medusa just shrugged. “That’s his secret to tell.”

Judging how EMIYA closed his eyes and folded his arms, it seemed pretty unlikely he would tell them.

“That’s fine,” Ritsuka spoke up. “I won’t press anyone to tell me what they don’t want to.”

Archer smiled. “Well, looks like I might have a good Master, after all,” the white-haired Servant remarked.

“Indeed, most Masters wouldn’t let their Servants keep a secret or two,” Medusa added.

Others were inclined to agree with that statement; maybe, they would have a wonderful master after all this. Maybe.

“Hey, quiet down! I am concentrating on my luck!” Gudako shouted at the group.

“You can’t ‘concentrate’ on luck!” Olga argued back.

“You want me to throw you into Chaldea’s machine myself?!”

“What does that me-”

“Bah! You know what!? Let’s just start!” Gudako gave a shout before channeling her prana into the ritual.

The light burst from the summoning circle, golden light.

“OHH!!!!” Gudako ripped her shirt/Mystic Code open in excitement.

As the light subsided, a small figure with lavender twin-tails and white layered dress appeared. The Servant smiled.

“Ufufu... to manifest as a Goddess.” She looked around and spotted another person very similar to her and gave a very smug smirk. “Hello, sister.”

“Sister?!” Gudao and Emiya yelled and looked at Medusa.

The older woman just sighed. “It’s good to see you too, Stheno. How-” Medusa suddenly paused. 

This caused Stheno to blink in surprise. Medusa wasn’t easy to shock into speechlessness. Perhaps her Master had used a Command Seal to silence her? When she looked at the boy with Command Seals on the back of his hand, however, she discovered not a single Seal was spent yet. The goddess got a new clue, however, as he was blushing very hard. In fact, everyone there besides the metal giant and her sister was blushing hard.

Stheno suddenly fell a wind passing through her legs, which shouldn’t be the case since she manifested with a long dress. So looked down and discovered a small creature was lifting her skirt up, revealing her underwear to everyone.

“Hehehe, even if you’re the most specialized of all beginner four-stars, your lewd potential is second-to-non-” 

“KYAAA!!!!” Stheno screamed before kicking Gudako in the face and sending her flying into a nearby wall, creating a hole in the exact shape as the perverted Master.

The Assassin then ran to hide behind her sister.

“What is that thing!?” Stheno yelled while peeking out of her sibling back. She then looked around, noticing people were still blushing. “You all better forget what you just saw!”

“Negative,” Babbage spoke up, causing Medusa to facepalm.

“Why the Tartarus not!?”

“My memory core records every event, regardless of whether I want to or not,” the robotic servant explained.

“Please don’t agitate her,” Medusa begged.

“Negative. I simply stating a fact about my function,” Babbage argued.

Stheno was about to argue, but Gudao stepped in.

“I-Is it possible to, umm, delete that part of the record later on?” The Master asked.

“It’s possible if the technology is advanced enough to tamper with my memory core; else I will have to deny you access.”

“That’s fine, Chaldea has pretty of high-tech machine and experts, right, Mash?” Gudao asked for support from his kouhai, who nodded in affirmation.

“Then it can be arranged.”

With this issue done, Stheno looked a little relieved. “Are you my Master?” The Assassin Servant asked, looking Gudao up and down. “Well, at least you looked reliable.”

“Umm, actually…” Gudao didn’t really want to be the one breaking the bad news, but now he must save humanity, he should practice doing what he didn’t want to do. He pointed at the Gudako-shaped hole in the wall. “That’s-”

“That’s your master,” Medusa cut him to it.

“Sister, if this is a joke, it is not funny,” Stheno hissed.

“Nope!” Somehow Gudako had recovered from the blow and was now standing behind Stheno.

“AAHHH!” The Servants were understandably startled and scattered away from Gudako.

“I am your Master from this day onward, so please don’t kick me again,” Gudako said and showed her Command Seals as a proof of her Mastership. She put on a creepy smile as her fingers wiggled. “Ooo, boy, I can just… _imagine_ what I can do with you.” Gudako began to salivate. Stheno just clung to her sister, who wasn’t looking too pleased either. Her perverted smile suddenly vanished. “Not now, though – I still have more Servants to summon.”

And just like that, she walked on as if she hadn’t just threatened to molest one of the Gorgon sisters.

At this point, the Servants were looking at their Master for an explanation.

“Umm, Doctor Roman,” Gudao spoke into his communication device. “Can you help me with this?”

_“Uhhh, sure.”_

Gudao sighed in relief and started from the beginning.

Gudako, meanwhile, began her streak of nothing but Craft Essences, Ember, and Materials. That was until three rings appeared around the summoning circle.

A man in a blue bodysuit and a red spear appeared. “Yo, Servant Lancer has answered your summon,” Lancer greeted then he spotted a few familiar faces. “Well, now, is this a reunion party or something?”

“Ugh, _him_ , of course,” Emiya complained, interrupting Gudao’s explanation; the Master was at the part where he was drugged and kidnapped.

“Could be worse, could be _our_ Berserker, Caster, or, gods-forbid, Saber,” Medusa said.

“The OG meme boi Cu Chulainn, eh? Sure, why not, it’s not like you will die repeatedly like in Stay/Night. Nice to meet you,” Gudako greeted. “Now, move away, I still have some summoning to do.” [3]

“Umm, who are you?” Lancer asked Gudako. “And how do you know my real name?”

“Your Master,” Gudako answered. Cu looked baffled, but Gudako showed him the Seal and silenced him. She then pointed at the group of Gudao’s Servants, plus Stheno. Cu took the hint and moved on to join them.

Gudako then went back to summoning. Her next summon was another Servant.

A giant of a man with red Chinese armor, dark skin, unfocused white eyes, and a hat with two red features on top.

“■■■■■!!!” Berserker greeted.

“Hold on, my Berserker is a little rusty.” Gudako cleared her throat. “▃▃▅▅▃▃!”

Everyone looked surprised, even Berserker himself. 

“■■■■■――” The red warrior said.

“▃▃▅▅”

“■■■!”

“▃▃▅▅▅▅▅▅▃▃”

“■■■■■■!!!”

Their conversation concluded and Berserker just walked over to the gathering of Servants. The others were uncomfortable, to say the least, to let a Berserker joined them, but they swallowed their nervousness and just ignored him.

“He’s Lu Bu Fengxian, by the way!” Gudako shouted after her Servant and went back to summoning.

Only one roll left.

She crossed her fingers, praying to the gacha god her offering (Shinji Matou’s agonizing death) was enough to bring her good fortune.

The circle began to shine and three rings of light appeared.

“OOHHH!” She could feel it now! The second four stars!

But the light never turned golden.

When the light subsided, a man with reddish-brown skin (a Native American) and black pants stood in the circle.

“Servant class, Caster… maybe I'm known better as Geroni-”

He was punched in the face.

“WHY YOU, DAMMIT!!!” Gudako screamed with tears rolling down her eyes.

“NANIIIII?!!!” Everyone screamed, except Lu Bu who screamed, “■■■!!!” and Geronimo who was unconscious.

One way or another, this was just the beginning of the insanity which was Gudako. May whatever gods that care – or rather, brave enough – protect Chaldea.


	2. No skipping prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Da Vinci's Lottery had been kind to me. My Euryale will be ready for Camelot soon.
> 
> Edit: I was wrong! I am not ready for Gwain or Camelot!
> 
> Beta by ekaterina016 and Vahn C. Wyrd.

"Hey, you're finally awake," Gudako greeted.

Gudao had a hunch this was a reference to a certain classical western RPG game, but everyone else didn't understand it and could only wonder why she greeted Geronimo like that.

"What happened?" Geronimo asked.

"You were being summoned, right? Materialized right into that Shadow Servants' ambush, same as us, and the other Servants over there," Gudako answered, pointing at the gathering of her and Gudao's Servants.

"Please, stop," Gudao begged, now realizing what she was imitating. He felt like a giga-migraine was brewing in his head.

"It's just a Skyrim reference; you know those are classic!" The short abomination argued.

Gudao could give about a dozen or more reasons why that wasn't the case, including they were _in the middle of a burning city_ … and Skyim's memes were dead memes. But sensing a pattern of the madness in his colleague, he decided to fight fire with fire.

"You want Bethesda to send us 'Cease and Desist'?" Gudao asked.

Gudako went silent for a full minute. "Okay, you made your point," the girl backed down.

"Umm," Geronimo spoke up again. "So, what happened exactly?"

"You're a Servant being summoned, but I am sure you know that already. When you manifested, I kind of make a mistake and punched you in the face, knocking you out. I am really sorry."

'Are you, though?' Everyone there questioned Gudako's sincerity.

"Anyways, we should get going," Olga spoke up. "We still need to figure out what caused this place to become a Singularity."

"Right," Mashu and Gudao acknowledged.

"Or we could just ask Cu," Gudako interrupted.

"Umm… why me, Master?" Lancer asked.

"No, not you, Cu. The _other_ Cu."

The orange-haired midget pointed at a blue-haired man walking up to them – his similarity to Cu Chulainn was on point. Once the man reached them, he looked at Cu (Lancer) with a mild surprise. "Well, I come here to investigate the surge of prana, but I guess I hit the jackpot." He looked directly at Cu (Lancer). "You know who I am, don't you?"

Cu (Lancer) closed his eyes for a few seconds. "You are me, summoned as Caster," the spearman answered.

"Correct… and I must say, I miss being a Lancer, I look much more handsome that way," Cu (Caster) remarked, while holding his chin and grinning.

"Why, thank you! Even as a Caster, you are not looking so bad yourself," Cu (Lancer) returned the compliment.

A realization hit Medusa and Emiya. ' _Oh,_ gods, there are two of them!' they internally screamed.

'Ironically, he probably dies less than his counterpart,' Gudako thought. 'Oh right, I want to skip this as well.' Gudako interrupted the two Cu(s) complimenting one another.

"Hey, Cu. Can you tell us what's going on?"

"Well, I suppose I can trust you, since my other self also does," Cu (Caster) said.

'Guess we are lucky,' Olga and Gudao thought, since they managed to summon one of many possible Cu Chulainn, and secured the trust of the only lead which could lead to them ending this Singularity.

Gudako, on the other hand, thought, 'Wish I got Scáthach instead of the meme boi…' She had to hold back her tears, since not a single higher-tier Servants appeared in her first roll.

So Cu (Caster) began his explanation about a Holy Grail War commencing… and then shit went sideways, and all the Servant who was defeated by Saber, who was corrupted, and all regular humans disappeared. Now, he was the only one left. Gudako didn't have to guess it was Zouken's doing.

"I see, so that's the summary of the situation," Olga remarked as Cu (Caster) finished. "In that case, we must make it to the Holy Grail immediately. If we can stop it, we can end this."

"Understood," everyone acknowledged.

"Can you lead us there?" Gudao asked Cu (Caster).

"Of course, but keep your wits about you." Caster looked Gudao directly in the eyes. "The city is swarmed with Shadow Servants – expect a few fights on our way there."

Gudao nodded. Cu (Caster) shifted his gaze toward Gudako, but he turned away as soon as their eyes met. Even the famous hero of Celtic mythology couldn't muster the courage to look Gudako in the eyes the same way he did to her male counterpart.

"Say," the orange-haired girl spoke up. "If we have to call you Cu Chulainn, it will be confusing, right?"

"Yeah, I can see that," Cu (Caster) agreed.

"What if we come up with a codename for you?" Gudako suggested. "How about… Cas Cu?"

"C-Cas Cu?" Cas Cu asked and pointed at himself.

Gudako then turned toward Lancer. "And you would be Lan Cu!" She cheered. Unlike his counterpart, Lancer just frowned at the nickname. "Yosh! With that settled, lets us go." She jumped and took a comfortable seat over Geronimo's neck. "Let us go forth, my minions!"

"Umm…" Geronimo wasn't sure what he was supposed to do here, and neither was everyone else.

"...just," Cas Cu paused to sigh. "Just follow me."

With that, the plot got moving.

* * *

After traveling through Fuyuki for about ten minutes, with Cas Cu as their guide, the Heroic Spirit held up his hand for them to pause. "Hold up, I am sensing some enemies up ahead," he warned.

"How many are there?" Gudao asked.

"I think… five, but they were far apart from each other," Cu informed.

"Is it possible to take them out separately?" The boy asked further.

"If you assign your Servants according to class advantage and disadvantage, then sure," Gudako said.

"Umm, how about you take one group and I take the other?" Gudao proposed.

"Alrighty, then! Come, people, let's us start farming mats!" Gudako pulled Geronimo's hair forward and made him run ahead. Lu Bu, being a Berserker, just walked after his Master. Stheno and Lan Cu sighed and followed quietly.

"Um, Director… can you please go with her and make sure she didn't… do anything drastic?" Gudao begged.

"I think it's a little late for that, Senpai," Mashu remarked.

Olga just sighed. It was still her duty to help with Chaldea's operation, regardless of whether she wanted to or not. "Very well, but I would like to request assistance from Caster Cu, if you wouldn't mind," she said to Gudao and Cas Cu. "Gudako only has four Servants with her, after all."

"That's understandable," the bare-chested Servant accepted, before donning his hood. "Alright, then, missy, let's go. Your group goes off and takes care of the other group."

Gudao nodded, before departing with his Servants and Mash.

"I have a hunch," Emiya spoke up as they walked on.

"About what?" Medusa asked.

"That Lancer is going to die," the red Archer predicted.

"Again?"

"Again."

"What do you mean by 'again'?" Gudao asked.

"Let's just say there were several outcomes to the Grail War we participated in," Medusa elaborated.

"In all of them, even the ones where Lancer wins, Lancer always dies," Emiya finished.

" _But he's Cu Chulainn!_ " Roman suddenly spoke through the Gudao's wrist device. " _How can the greatest Hero of Celtic folklore die_ all the time _?! Yes, I know he died in the legend as well, Bob!"_

"The point is," Emiya interrupted the doctor. "I think we should finish our fight as quickly as possible, and then go check up on Gudako's team."

"Alright," Gudao affirmed.

"I can carry you, Senpai," Mashu offered. "We can travel faster that way, since humans can't really keep up with Servants."

"I know a few people who went against that convention." Emiya was referring to his certain old teacher back when he was 'Shirou Emiya'. Wait, no, make it two – he was sure Taiga could match up to a Servant or two.

"Regardless, in hostile territory like this, it would still be wise to let your Servant handle the aspect of transportation, especially since we have two Riders with us." Mashu advised.

" **As expect of my kouhai, you are a fountain of exposition and a great tutorial trainer!"**

Everyone looked around, trying to find where that voice came from. They swore it sound just like…

"Was that… Gudako-san?" Chevalier d'Eon was the first to dare ask.

"I… think?" Gudao answered, unsure. "Was that- Was that real?"

"Affirmative," Charles Babbage confirmed. "My sound receptor manages to hear Gudako's voice, the same as everyone. I am a machine; I cannot be tricked by illusion."

There was a short silence between all of them.

"Let's just… Let's just get going," Gudao finally said. "Umm…" Looking over all of his Servants, he finally requested while blushing, "Ushiwakamaru, can you carry me? I mean, if it's okay with you…"

"Of course, Gudao-dono," Ushiwakamaru agreed with a slight bow.

"He just wants to feel her skin," Medusa whispered to Emiya with a smirk. "Else he would have picked me."

"You're one to talk," Emiya countered, referring to her _marginally_ less revealing clothing than the other Rider.

Ushiwakamaru walked up to Gudao and carried him off in bridal style, which made Gudao's blush intensify.

In any event, they all took off after their enemies. Upon arrival, they quickly made short work of the two Shadow Servants: a Berserker and two Assassins. Without further delay, they departed towards Gudako's team.

* * *

Olga wasn't sure how to respond to the scene in front of her, and neither was Cas Cu. In fact, they didn't – their brain just shut down, simply staring at what Gudako had done. They were only snapped back to reality with Gudao's arrival.

"Director!" Mashu shouted as they arrived, since Gudao was still being carried by Ushiwakamaru. "What is the- WHAT IS GOING ON!?" It was rare for Mashu to lose her composure, but in a situation like this, one couldn't blame her.

Gudao's group stared at the carnage before them.

Lu Bu was repeatedly beating a corpse of a Shadow Servant with his spear, believing it was alive because it didn't dematerialize.

Geronimo was lying face-up on the ground, contemplating if he should have died with his family when Custer attacked his village, rather than seeking vengeance and ended being a Heroic Spirit, which made him ended up here.

Stheno was running away from the last Shadow Servant. It didn't hold any weapon – rather, a Japanese sailor school uniform – while chasing the loli Assassin. Emiya and Medusa recognized who that was: _their_ old Caster acquaintance in fact, but they were fixated on something else...

Because Lan Cu was…

"Lancer ga shinda!" Emiya shouted.

"Kono hito de nashi!" Medusa added.

Indeed, Lan Cu was impaled on a spear, lying face down on the ground.

Amid all of this chaos was Gudako, sitting a distance away and digging through what seemed to be a pile of bronze and silver treasure chests.

"Gudako!" Gudao shouted to get the girl's attention.

"Oh, Gudao-chan. You're done? Got any mats with you? I didn't get much drop," Gudako greeted back. She quickly stood up and pocketed all the chests into her shirt. "Now, then," She turned to her Servants. "Are you people done?"

"■■■!" Lu Bu replied, but didn't look like he would stop beating the corpse anytime soon.

"Like Tartarus I am!" Stheno screamed. "Somebody save me!"

The Class Advantage was truly overwhelming.

"I… I didn't fight anyone," Geronimo confessed. Gudako wasn't stupid enough to use one of the worst Servants in the game – he might still be usable here and there, but come on, it's Geronimo.

Lan Cu didn't reply, busy being dead.

"Medusa, go help your sister; Mashu and d'Eon, please go and calm Lu Bu down; Babbage, go check on Lancer; the rest of you, with me," Gudao gave out several short orders, snapping everyone back to reality.

They went off to take care of their tasks, while Gudao walked up to Gudako. "Just what is going on here?" The male Master asked as soon as he was close enough to his colleague.

"Well, I might have mismatched my team composition a lot, so Lancer was forced to tank everything from the now-dead Assassin and Lancer. Meanwhile, I sent Stheno to distract Caster, which might have work _too_ well."

' _Of course it does,'_ Emiya shuddered. He remembered all-too-well about Medea's taste in… things. Poor Stheno.

"Geronimo, being Geronimo, didn't do much, but he managed to stay alive." The Native American just sighed at that. "Hey, managing to stay alive after going up against the Class-Advantaged enemies is quite a feat! You should be proud!" Gudako reassured him.

'If it weren't tutorial enemies, that is,' Gudako thought darkly after that.

She continued her tale, "Eventually, Lancer died after I used up his Battle Continuation, and Lu Bu comes in to finish off Rider and Assassin, but his Madness Enchantment kicked in and he got distracted with that Assassin's body."

They all looked at Lan Cu's body, which had been arranged into a sleeping position by Babbage with the spear removed. The mechanical Servant looked like he was preparing something as he rubbed his hands together.

"Why don't you just let your Servants engage all at once?" Emiya questioned. "If they all attack at the same time, then Lancer didn't have to die."

"Because with a Berserker, it was more likely everyone else besides Lan Cu would die instead," Gudako told him. "Using a Berserker in combat is no joke." Lore-wise, they indeed weren't. Emiya was silenced by that. "Don't worry though, I can do this." She turned to the corpse of Lan Cu. "By my Command Seal! Return to life!" She didn't really have to shout that out loud, but, eh, this was anime.

As soon as her command went off, Lan Cu's eyes flung open.

"Oh, gods! Did I just die?!" Lan Cu shouted as he came back to life. Before anyone could answer,, however, Charles had finished what he was preparing: AED, also known as Automated External Defibrillator, also better known as those pads medic use to electrocute you back to life.

"Clear," Babbage said, before bring his hand full of dancing lighting down on Lan Cu.

"W-W-WA-WAI-"

Lan Cu didn't get to finish as he was shocked by the King of Steam. He spasmed, before going still again after Babbage lifted his hand.

"Quick! Gudao, use your Mystic Code to heal him!" Gudako shouted.

"Uh, um," Gudao was confused, but clumsily managed to obey and use his Heal which came with his Mystic Code.

Green light and white sparks glimmered around Lan Cu for a few seconds before the Lancer sprung up into a sitting position.

"Treatment successful," Babbage informed.

"Successful my ass! I nearly died a second time, you metal junk!" Lan Cu then quickly turned to his Master. "And you! Why didn't you heal me?! Keeping Berserker from fighting that I can understand, but why didn't you heal me!"

There was a long silence, more so due to the fact that now Lu Bu had calmed down and Shadow Caster dispatched.

Then, in the moment of intent silence, Gudako gave her answer.

"I forgot."

This time, everyone knew she wasn't lying.

Another absolute silence followed.

"You…" Stheno panted, still recovering from the marathon-length distance she had just run. "…are one of the worst Masters, ever."

"I know… and I don't care…"

Yet another excruciating silence.

" _A-ah, actually."_ Roman broke the ice. " _Our FATE system registers both Gudako-chan and Gudao-kun as the same Master, likely due to malfunction."_

Olga's and Mashu's eyes widened.

"Umm… and what does that supposed to mean?" Gudao asked, not really understanding.

" _It means you both share all the Servants you two summon."_

A short silence followed. Seeing there were too many silence cuts already, Gudako slowly chuckled – which quickly turned into full-blown laughter. She turned to the two Gorgon sisters with her Command Seal flaring red and a perverted grin enough to rival any ugly bastard in a doujin.

Stheno hugged her sister tightly, while Medusa tried to shield her sibling.

"By my Command Seal, I order you two to-"

" _U-Umm, I should also tell you that your Command Seals won't be as effective on the Servants Gudao-kun summoned, and vice-versa,"_ Roman interrupted, hoping it would stop the orange-haired girl. It didn't.

"You don't know if you don't try! I order you two to-"

She was cut off when Cas Cu smashed her in the head with his staff, knocking her out. "We should get going, we are wasting enough time," he said.

"R-Right," Gudao affirmed. "Geronimo-san, could you please… umm…"

"You wish for me to carry Master, correct?" Caster guessed. Gudao nodded. Geronimo sighed, but did as requested and put unconscious Gudako over his shoulder. The group then moved on, though Lu Bu took his time to gather the 'mats', as Gudako called them, before following behind them.

* * *

As they journey went on, Cas Cu began to explain their true goal was to find the Holy Grail in order to end this Grail War, which happened to align with their goal to use it to go back home. When they entered the mountain area where it was located, he informed them of the Servant who guarded it.

"So, what is the identity of this Saber who protects the Grail?" Olga asked. "There aren't many Servants who are stronger than you, the legendary Cu Chulainn, right?"

Cas Cu didn't respond immediately, but his expression turned grim. "Artoria Pendragon," he revealed after some time.

Lan Cu, Emiya, and Medusa stopped in their tracks upon hearing that name.

"Is something the matter?" Mashu asked in concern, but none of the three Servants answered.

"Hoo, boy!" Unfortunately for them, Gudako had awakened. "Fifth Holy Grail War reunion!" The short abomination then noticed something. "Stheno, why are you so close to Gudao?"

"As that man said." She pointed at Gudao's wrist device. "He is my Master as well," the loli Servants hissed. "And he is a better Master than you! Thus, he is now my one and only Master!"

"Look, I know I put you, an Assassin Servant, against a Caster, but that didn't mean I am a bad Master," Gudako excused. "In fact, you know what? Here."

Gudako extended her arm all the way to Lu Bu and grabbed one of the chests he was carrying. She opened the chest to reveal a golden crystal and offered it to the twin-tailed girl.

"What is this? It is not a mere gem, is it?" Stheno asked.

"That is Roaring Flames of Wisdom," Olga explained. "It contains a special type of mana which will strengthen Servants."

" _You are supposed to, umm… eat it, like a chewing candy, or so Da Vinci-chan said,"_ Roman elaborated.

Stheno slowly extended her hand before taking the crystal from Gudako's hand. She observed it for a good few seconds before looking at Gudao. He offered her a smile and a nod. She sighed and put the crystal into her mouth. Her eyes slowly widened as she chewed.

"How was it?" d'Eon asked.

"It's pretty good," Stheno confessed.

"See?" Gudako said with a smile. "I can be a good Master when I want to, right Cu, Gero?"

Neither of them said anything, though they were very doubtful about that statement.

"That remains to be seen," Stheno said, still very much skeptical as well.

"That's good enough." Gudako climbed from Lan Cu's shoulder over to Geronimo's neck, and took her proper seat. "We still on a tight schedule; let's continue on."

Gudao just nodded to Cas Cu and let him continue to lead the way.

As expected, however, Gudako couldn't keep her mouth shut. She steered Geronimo over to Gudao who was a little behind from the other, along with Lu Bu, EMIYA, and Lan Cu, who were covering the back of the group.

"Say, Gudao-chan," she said slyly and put her arm over Gudao's neck. It was as if Geronimo was her own body. "Don't you think I didn't notice your stare?"

"What do you mean?" Gudao asked, not quite following.

"Oh, you harem protagonists and your denseness," Gudako mused while shaking her head. "I am talking about the way you're looking at dat ass, of course."

Gudao nearly choked on the air. Emiya and Geronimo suddenly feel like they _really_ didn't want to be here right now. Lan Cu looked curious. Lu Bu suddenly felt an urge to eat some baozi… with BBQ pork filling.

"W-What?! No, I don't!" Gudao tried to keep his voice down.

Unknown to them, the women, Cas Cu, and d'Eon, all of whom were ahead of them, could hear their conversation just fine. Olga and Mashu suddenly became very self-conscious, with the white-haired director subtly attempting to pull her skirt to cover more of her backside.

"Come on… I can see where your eyes are wondering from time to time," Gudako jeered. "Don't worry, man. You can trust us."

'The others? Yes. You? Not so much,' Gudao thought.

"Just tell us who you are interested in." Gudako's arm tightened around his neck, forcing him and Geronimo to get closer to each other.

"I won't lie, I am interested as well," Lan Cu admitted.

'Of course you would _,_ ' Emiya, Medusa, and Cas Cu thought, though the latter did so cordially.

"What kind of women do you like, Master Gudao?" Lancer asked with a smirk.

"...it's not Stheno, is it?" Emiya questioned. If his Master was staring at Stheno's… buttocks, his Unlimited Blade Works would have another target besides Saber.

"Who said he was looking at a woman?" Gudako cut in with an eyebrow lifted.

'What?' Everyone beside Gudao, Lu Bu, and Lancer thought.

"What?" Lancer spoke out loud.

'■■■■―' Lu Bu thought, which translated to 'I wonder if Diaochan will get summoned as well.'

Gudao just turned away from Gudako, too fearful to look her in the eyes; not that anyone else here was brave enough to do that either.

"He was staring at d'Eon-chan's ass a few times."

Everything suddenly went silent, the group coming to a halt, except for Lu Bu who walked on a little before stopping as well in confusion. Everyone turned to look at Gudao in disbelief, but the fact that he was hiding his face behind his hands proved Gudako's words were true.

"I knew it! I know you are a trap lover!" Gudako screamed at him with a triumphant smile.

"M-Master," a smooth feminine voice spoke up – Chevalier d'Eon's. "I-Is this true?"

Gudao peaked through the gap between his fingers, his eyes filled with guilt. "Yes."

Mashu suddenly felt like getting a sex change surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… Gudao is a trap lover… just like Riyo Gudao. Hoo boy, his corruption process had begun, let us hope his harem could pull him from that abyss… unless… the traps were also in his harem as well?! He's doom!


	3. Singularity F: Cleared!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Dear, GhidorahFanboy, you will be sorry when Summer and Anniversary banners come around, trust me. Beside, Shiki is a better Assassin than Semiramis anyways. 
> 
> In addition, I got a certain Archer from the event re-run as well, you know the one that one.
> 
> Mashu, Olga, Gudao: STOP BRAGGING!
> 
> Gudako: I AM GOING BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!
> 
> No.
> 
> Beta by ekaterina016.

The journey continued in silence. Gudao and Gudako+Geronimo had been placed right behind Cas Cu, allowing everyone to keep an eye on them. Gudako was singing a very… strange song as well. 

“Every time I close my eyes~ Wake up feeling so horny~! I can't get you outta’ my mind~ Sexin' you be all I see~”

“For fuck’s sake, now the Golden Wind ending song…” Gudao mumbled as he was  _ this _ close to tearing his own face off.

“So,” Cas Cu spoke up, interrupting the singing (much to everyone’s relief), smacking his lips together a few times. “You are interested in Mister… Miss… You’re interested in Chevalier d'Eon, Gudao-kun?” Then he realized something. “Wait, how do you know d’Eon is a… trap…?” Of all the useless information the Grail had to give him upon being summoned, why must the ‘anime’ term and meaning of ‘trap’ be among them?

“When we close our eyes, we can see our Servants’ information, kinda’ like a video game,” Gudako explained. “D'Eon-chan’s status sheet just tells us ‘trap’.”

‘What is the Throne of Heroes doing?!’ Chevalier flushed.

“Alright, look, I am trying to casually ease this situation, but if a mild change in topic won’t do, then let’s get back to the Grail,” Cas Cu said. Everybody set the previous revelation aside for a more serious issue. “I have been counting the Shadow Servants we have defeated. Besides a few more Assassins, the only one left beside them is an Archer. Most likely, we will have to battle him before we can get to Saber.”

“So? There are eleven Servants here, including you,” Gudako pointed out. “I am sure going through him will be a breeze.”

“Well, he could also be backed up by the leftover Assassins,” Olga reminded the girl.

“That’s correct,” Cas Cu confirmed.

Gudao and Gudako held their chin, thinking over the issue. They both suddenly snapped their finger at the same time, then turned to each other.

“Are you thinking what I am thinking?” Gudako asked her male counterpart.

“I think I am,” Gudao said with a smile.

““Let’s separate into two teams!”” They said in unison. ““Niccccceeeeeeeee!””

“That doesn’t sound half bad, actually,” Olga agreed.

“In that case, we should divide our team accordingly,” Cas Cu advised. “What do you two have in mind?”

“I can go after Archer, distracting him and the Assassins, though for that I would need to keep my Lan Cu with me and I would like to borrow Babbage from you, Gudao-chan; Class Advantage and all that,” Gudako requested. “Besides that, I think you should have my Lu Bu – Berserkers are very good at doing damage. Keep your Archer close though, he will be essential.”

“So two for two, huh?” Gudao said thoughtfully. Perhaps Gudako was more reliable than she acted. “Alright, Charles-san, do you have a problem with that?”

“No objection,” Babbage answered. “However, I require clarification. What is this ‘Class Advantage’ which had been discussed several times?”

Everyone was curious about this as well. What was this ‘Class Advantage’ Gudako had been rambling about?

Gudako jumped down from Geronimo’s neck. The orange-haired girl reached into her pocket and pulled out  _ an entire whiteboard _ with something already written on it: Several symbols which they recognized as Class emblems and arrows – some in red, some in blue – which point correspondingly to another Class symbols; strangely, even the Servants didn’t recognize some of the symbols themselves.

“Guess I will have to do my fair share of teaching, being a senior player of the game.” Gudako cleared her throat before continuing, “Alright, do you see these three?” She pointed at the left-most triangle formed from arrows.

“Those’re the Saber, Lancer, and Archer Classes symbols,” Olga answered with confidence.

“Correct. You see, the three classes in this triangle are called the ‘Knight Classes’. They do extra damage to each other in this order: Saber against Lancer, Lancer against Archer, and Archer against Saber.”

“That’s a load of nonsense, Master,” Lan Cu argued. “I have fought plenty of Sabers, and I stood my ground just fine.”

“And did you ever manage to win against any of them?” Gudako asked with a blank face.

Cu opened his mouth to answer, but then paused, closing his mouth and holding his chin in thought instead. A slow realization crept onto his face, which was shared on all the faces of the Servants there who belonged in the so-called ‘Knight Classes’.

Emiya realized he had lost to Lan Cu once, and d’Eon had defeated plenty of enemies who utilized spears and lances, but never the ones with bows.

“Huh… You might be onto something, Master,” Lan Cu mused.

“Of course I am! Now, onto the next set.” Gudako pointed at the second triangle. “The second set kinda’ work like the first. The Servants in these classes are called ‘Cavalry Classes’, excluding Berserker, and again there are advantages and disadvantages: Rider against Caster, Caster against Assassins, and Assassins against Rider.”

“Well, that would explain a lot,” Stheno giggled, as she radiated her smug energy towards her sister (a Rider Servant), who just sighed.

“Berserker is unique because they dish out more damage to everyone, but that left them with very little defense, so they take more damage from everyone as well,” Gudako affirmed, which earned her a positive ‘■■■■’ from Lu Bu. “Well, except from one class, but that isn’t important right now.”

“But what of that triangle? What is this ‘Moon Cancer’ Class?” Olga inquired. The white-haired girl believed she knew everything about summoning Servants… until now.

“The rest are the Extra Classes, but you can ignore them for now. There are barely any Servants in those classes who are below four stars… well, except for two.” She was referring to Antonio Salieri, whom she wouldn’t be able to summon for a long time, and…  _ that Servant _ . She did not want to think about  _ him _ , fearing a mere thought would invite him into her roll. “Now, would that be enough Babbage?”

“Yes, that is an acceptable explanation,” the mechanical Servant answered.

“Good! We are wasting time; the APs aren’t going to spend themselves.” Gudako put the whiteboard back into her pocket. “Alright, let’s get to planning then.”

Everyone nodded and gathered around Gudako and Gudao to strategize about the upcoming final battle.

* * *

“Alright, before we go in…” Gudako spoke from the front of the group, riding on Geronimo’s neck. They had decided to split up as previously agreed, with Lu Bu and  Babbage switching their main Masters, and Cas Cu came along with the girl. “Lan Cu, I am going to have to Ascend you first.”

“‘Ascend’, Master?” Cu asked with a raised eyebrow. “Is this another one of your strange powers?”

“Silly Cu! ‘Ascend’, or ‘Ascension’ if you want to be technical, is just a way to make Servants stronger. Now, here, hold these.” Gudako handed the Child of Light four white Lancer Pieces. “Now, hold still.” The orange-haired girl began to channel her Prana into Lan Cu.

Lancer started to glow. Soon, the light which emitted from Lan Cu and the four pieces consumed their vision. Once the light subsided, they saw Lancer Cu Chulainn in his new form, not that dissimilar to the previous one, but now his hair was messier and he was now shirtless.

“Hahahahaha! I feel so  _ powerful!” _ Lan Cu laughed.

Stheno whispered to Babbage, “We can actually do that? Changing form and all.”

“...I do not possess enough information to answer the inquiry,” the robotic Servant answered with his volume set to the lowest. The loli Assassin just groaned in frustration at her current company.

“Well…” Cas Cu just mused, as he observed himself up and down, before pointing finger guns at his counterpart. “I’m sexy and I know it.”

“Right back at cha!” Lan Cu replied to the compliment, returning the finger guns.

“Alright, that’s enough, you two. I am not Gudao; I don’t want to see two males getting too friendly with each other. Lan Cu, do you have ‘Protection from Arrows’ now?” Gudako interrupted them.

Lan Cu closed his eyes, then reopened them shortly after. “Yes, I have this skill you called ‘Protection from Arrows’ now.”

Gudako nodded. She got off from Geronimo. “Alright, here’s how we are going to ‘distract’ the guards.” Her Servants leaned in, ready to listen to the order. “Lan Cu, you will charge in with Babbage as your support to take out Archer. Meanwhile, Cas Cu and Geronimo, you two will sneak around, picking out any Assassin you find, or join the main fight if necessary… but Babbage should be in the main fight anyways, so who knows? Stheno, since you are the only one with Presence Concealment, you will be on the lookout in case any Assassin try to run or catch wind of Gudao’s group. Everyone gets that?”

They all nodded. It appeared Gudako could indeed be competent when she had to.

“One more thing, though,” Geronimo spoke up. “Where would you be during all of this, Master?”

“I got… a few things to… collect,” Gudako said with her eyes, for the first time they were with her, shifting around.

“Okay… that’s ominous,” Lan Cu remarked.

“Well, anyway, you guys better get started; catch ya’ later!” Gudako bid her farewell and walked off, just like that.

All Servants there stood silence for a full minute, with the realization slowly hitting them their Master (despite everything they had seen so far) had just up and leave at such a critical moment.

“I stand by my words,” Stheno broke the silence. “She is one of the worst Masters,  _ ever _ .”

Everyone began to agree with that statement.

“Let’s just do this.” Lan Cu steered their attention away from their now-gone Master and back to the battlefield in front of them. “Are you ready for this, big guy?” He asked Charles Babbage.

“I am not ‘Big Guy’. I am Charles Babbage, also known as the ‘Steam King’,” Charles corrected stiffly.

“Right, whatever,” Lan Cu dismissed. The Lancer activated his ‘Protection from Arrows’. “I hope this works.” With that, he charged in, with Babbage using his steam rockets feet to follow behind. 

As soon as they came into the clearing in front of the cave leading to the Grail, they were agreed by its guardian, Archer Shadow Servant… who was none other than EMIYA. Cu smirked – it seemed he would get the rematch with that bastard bowman today.

Shadow EMIYA wasted no time conjuring up his weapons and shot them off at Cu, only for the Ireland’s Child of Light to dodge, parry, and deflect every single one of them; even the ones which went through his defense just bounced off the Lancer. This is the power of the ‘Evade’ status. Lan Cu just grinned even wider. He knew he was good at dealing with arrows, but now with this ‘Protection from Arrows’ power his Master had granted him, no one could kill him.

While the real world and in-game logic of this skill worked differently, due to Gudako’s interference of reality, all the Servants’ skills worked like it was in the game — regardless of how illogical it would appear to be.

“HAHAHAHAHA! I AM INVINCIBLE!” Lan Cu roared as he charged the Archer, who was now forced to engage him in melee.

Cas Cu could only look on as he wiped a single teardrop from his eyes. “This is so beautiful.”

Stheno and Geronimo just exchanged their weirded-out looks, and truly wondered when their suffering would end.

The answer was never.

* * *

“Well, this is unexpected,” Ritsuka said as he observed the empty clearing. It appeared Gudako’s team managed to get rid of Archer and the Assassins even before Gudao’s team arrived. Speaking of which… “Where is Gudao anyways? …and where is your shirt, Lan Cu-san?”

“Please don’t add ‘san’ into that nickname,” Lan Cu requested. “As for where she is, well, to be honest, I have no idea.”

“What do you mean? Did she run off?” Mash guessed.

“Yup,” Stheno confirmed, her expression unreadable.

“And where did she go?” Olga asked further, but didn’t manage to get the answer before the person in question finally came back.

“I'm back!” Gudako shouted.

“Oh, Master!” Lan Cu greeted and turned around to look at Gudako. “You are BAACC-” He didn’t get to finish when he was hit by a truck driven by Gudako. The impact sent him crashing through several trees, before finally stuck upside down into the ground, and stopped moving.

_ “Lancer ga shinda!” _ Emiya shouted. [1]

_ “Kono hito de nashi!” _ Medusa followed up.

“Why do you two keep shouting it like that?” Mashu questioned.

“Umm…” Neither Servants could answer that question.

Meanwhile, Gudako got off the truck and came over to Gudao. “Sup, trap lover,” she greeted casually.

Gudao was, on the other hand, quite outrageous. “Why did you kill Lancer?!” There was a short pause. “ _ Again! _ And where have you been?!”

“I didn’t kill him, look!” She said, pointing at Lan Cu who started moving again. “His ‘Battle Continuation’ will keep him alive one way or another. As for where I have been, well…” The orange-haired girl pulled out a remote with one big red button, before pressing it.

The container atop the truck opened, revealing a wide variety of objects. From kitchen utensils to video game consoles to mangas of…  _ questionable _ rating to even clothing… Why were there so many panties in the piles?

“What’s all this?” Olga asked, astonished at the gathering of these random items.

“Since I am here, I might as well grab some souvenirs. Here, look at some of what I got!” Gudako grabbed a frying pan out of the pile. “This is the real pan of Shirou Emiya!” The girl held the pan up high like it was some sacred object, but to all but Archer and Rider (and maybe Lancer, but he was still trying to free himself from the ground), it was just a regular pan. 

“Umm…” Gudao was sure how to respond to this, mainly because he didn’t know who  _ that _ was — though he felt like he should.

“I also got Souichirou Kuzuki’s glasses, Taiga Fujimaru’s kendo sword, Kiritsuku’s guns, and the best of them all…” Gudako’s hand extended to grab three of the panties from the panties pile. “Illya-chan’s, Rin-chan’s, and Sakura-chan’s pantsu!” The orange-haired abomination slammed the panties onto her face before inhaling the scent like a vacuum cleaner. “Oh, gods, I can still smell the pu-”

EMIYA and Medusa double-kicked Gudako in the face before starting to beat the living shit out of her. After a solid three minutes of taking out their anger on the midget, they had finally ceased their attacks.

They looked down at Gudako’s head, which had been pulverized into the ground, only for it to return to its previous shape like a rubber ball.

“Geez, I know sniffing Illya’s panty might attract the police, but you people are just overreacted,” Gudako said.

Emiya, for his part, took a deep breath and turned to his Master.

Gudao just wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead. “Let’s just get Saber so we can go home… then we can figure out what next,” he ordered. The two original Servants from Stay Night just sighed and stepped away from Gudako. “Let’s go.”

With that, they marched forward toward the pillar of light which was the Holy Grail.

For once, Gudako wasn’t riding on Geronimo’s neck (much to his relief) – instead, she was riding on Lu Bu and whispering something to him, then she began to whisper something to Geronimo and Stheno.

“So, you have arrived,” a stern voice greeted them as they arrived at the foot of the light beam. A maiden in black armor and white hair awaited them, her corrupted holy sword unsheathed and ready for battle. Saber Alter would be their opponent. “Now, then… a test.”

Within a second, Saber Alter leaped forward with her sword ready. 

Cas Cu was the first to meet her blade. She slashed at his chest, but the Caster managed to black the blow so it wasn’t fatal. Instead of stopping and finishing one of her opponents, she moved on to the next — intending on stopping them rather than killing them outright. Unlike Cas Cu, Babbage wasn’t fast enough to stop Saber from tearing his mechanical limbs into pieces.

Ushiwakamaru and d'Eon were next. They tried to block the swing of the sword – and while they succeeded, the impact sent them off their feet and sent them flying into Lu Bu, incapacitating the Berserker as well.

Rather than becoming sitting ducks, Cu and Medusa met Saber’s advance head-on. Rider unleashed her dagger and chain at Artoria. The King of Knight deflected the attack with ease, but that’s what the purple-haired Servant was counting on. With a tuck of her chain, Medusa’s weapon wrapped itself around Excalibur and forced the blade to stop its swing. Seizing this chance, Cu Chulainn charged with his Gae Bolg ready to pierce his opponent's heart.

“Commendable, but futile,” Saber commented with her eyes closed.

In an unexpected turn of event, Saber let go of her sword. Lancer wasn’t able to stop his attack in time and his spear missed its target as Saber let passed through the space between her body and arm. Within the next few seconds, her arm clamped down and locked the spear underneath her armpit, and thus locking Lancer’s position as well, before punching him in the face using her free arm. Cu’s visage met with the hard ground — his Protection from Arrow was still on cooldown.

Saber quickly extended her hand to grab her sword before it even fell to the ground. Medusa, caught off-guard, wasn’t prepared when Artoria tugged her chain and dragging the blindfolded Servant forward. Having lost her balance, Rider couldn’t resist when Saber used her own chain to throw one of the Gorgons into the forest. The impact was enough to create a mushroom cloud of dust.

Artoria quickly turned to her left to block two blades shot at her by none other than the uncorrupted version of her Archer. The attack was quickly followed up by EMIYA engaged the King of Knights in melee. After a short while of exchanging blows, the two locked their blades together, one side unable to overcome the other.

“Dammit, Saber, come to your sens-” Archer’s attempt to get some sense out of his old friend ended in failure when Artoria grabbed him by the face and slammed him down onto the ground.

Gudao, Mash, and Olga could only stare at the scene with horror painted on their face. The Servants… all lost to Saber. Gudako had a blank expression on her face. Wait, not  _ all _ …

Gudao frantically looked around, trying to find Geronimo and Stheno, but they were nowhere to be found. Were they defeated while he wasn’t looking?

With no one left, Mashu ran forward, intending on protecting those who were precious to her. She could barely block a swing from Excalibur, which sent her flying and crashing into the ground beside Gudao, who quickly crouched down to check on her, while Olga only froze at their absolute defeat.

“It’s over, trespassers,” Artoria declared. “But since you are the Masters of these brave warriors, I shall grant you an honor…” Saber Alter lifted her sword in the air, as energy began to gather and swirl around her blade, “...to die by my Noble Phantasm.”

The three could only look on with fear in their eyes, as their end seemed to slowly approach them. Olga finally broke down into tears, screaming they would die here, Mash forced herself up to try and block the attack, Gudao was panicking and was looking back and forth between Mashu and Olga, and Gudako just stared with her ‘default’ expression.

**“Swallow the light.”** Saber Alter’s sword turned into a beam of pure black energy.  **“Sword of Promised Victory. Excalibur Morgan!”**

With a swing of her sword, the King of Knights unleashed her Noble Phantasm. As an entire wave of raw black light of Excalibur was about to blast them into non-existence. Mash got up despite the pain and blocked the coming attack with her shield. The lavender-haired girl tried to resist the immeasurable force of Excalibur Morgan, but slowly but steadily, she felt her strength being drained.

‘I… can’t…’ Mash gritted her teeth. ‘I’m scared… this attack… this power… what can I do…’ She was so tired, and her enemy was too much, what could she-

A hand reached for Mash’s own – Gudao’s hands. It gripped the shield’s handle along with her.

“I… I don’t want to die,” Gudao spoke, his voice shaking. He then swallowed the air in his throat. “So, please… Mash… let’s fight this… and make it through… together…” The purple-haired girl could only stare in astonishment at her senpai.

“Mashu,” Gudako suddenly spoke up. Mash turned to look at her friend, her previous exhaustion forgotten. “I believe in you,” she said. Her expression remained in the ‘default’ state, but there was something genuine and caring about them this time.

At that moment, something awakened within Mash. Her heart raced, her palm sweated, and something deep within her heart resonated with the words of those around her.

Her shield began to grow in a brilliant light. A sigil made of beams drew itself onto her shield.  **“Noble Phantasm… deployed!”** Mashu shouted. A barrier of energy extended from them and completely blocked the attack from Excalibur. 

As the blacken light faded, everyone still conscious could only stare in disbelief the Noble Phantasm of King of Knights, one of the most powerful Heroic Spirits, was halted.

“I-Impossible!” Artoria could only scream in outrage at the display.

**“O, the spirit. O, the sun. Please lend me your powers for a moment.”** A voice suddenly boomed behind her. Saber quickly turned around to see Geronimo kneeling down in the middle of a circle of energy. This was no doubt a Noble Phantasm. She rushed in to stop him, but it was too late.  **“Show the great trick once again… Tsago Degi Naley!!”**

An ethereal coyote appeared, towering above all of them, and howled into the night sky. As it did, a sun appeared above them and illuminated the area. The heat and aura from the radiating star burned the King of Knights into nothingness, while also healing the wounds and invigorating Geronimo’s allies as they bathed under the artificial sun.

Once the Noble Phantasm subsided, Geronimo got up from his kneeling position and walked over to check on his Masters. 

“Are you alright, Masters?” The Native American asked.

“Good job, Gerry,” Gudako thanked with a thumbs up.

“I… thanks,” Gudao managed to mutter before collapsing down.

“M-Master!” Mashu shouted. She let go of her shield and crouched down to check on Gudao.

“He should be alright; just drained, that’s all,” Olga reassured with a tired smile. “You just used your Noble Phantasm. It uses a lot of Prana, and even with the FATE system support, it would still be pretty draining for Gudako.”

“My… Noble Phantasm?” Mashu asked in astonished disbelief. She turned back to her shield, still standing despite having no holder at the moment.

“Indeed, I have witnessed many Noble Phantasms with defensive capability before, but yours is among the forefront,” Geronimo added with a smile.

Despite their circumstance, Mashu couldn’t help but smile. She might be just a Demi-Servant, but she had managed to accomplish something magnificent. But, most important of all, she could protect her director, her senpai, and her friend.

“Now that’s done,” a familiar voice suddenly spoke up. Several pairs of hands suddenly grabbed hold of Mashu and began touching and caressing her. “How about we get a little intimate? My little eggplant?” They were Gudako’s hands, acting like tentacles and began molesting Mashu.

“Ahh! Gudako-senpai, what are you doing?!” Mashu squealed as hands began to assault her.

“Just getting friendly with you, my little kouhai,” Gudako answered with a perverted smile. “Don’t worry, Gudao-kun is sleeping, we can do this to our heart content.” That sounded like something straight out of NTR doujin.

Now, all Mash could do was moan as she could not stop Gudako. They all seemed to forget Olga, Geronimo, and the entire staff of Chaldea (through their observation device) were watching. Roman  _ really _ didn’t want to see their surrogate daughter being molested by this eldritch entity. They would normally ask Olga to quickly stop them, but the director looked so red and stunned that nothing would likely get through to her.

“I will go check on the others,” Geronimo said casually and emotionlessly before walking away, leaving Mash to her fate.

Poor Mashu. Her corruption process had also begun.

* * *

Gudao slowly opened his eyes. The first thing which greeted him was the beautiful visage of Olga. “...did I die and go to waifu heaven?” The black-haired boy asked in his dizzy state.

While Olga had no idea what ‘waifu’ meant, she blushed nonetheless. “N-No, of course not, you dummy!” She casually scolded. “You are just exhausted after Mash used her Noble Phantasm.”

Mash… 

Gudao immediately got up, frantically looking around. “W-Where’s Mash?!”

“I am here, senpai,” a voice answered him.

Gudao immediately looked to the source of the voice. There, he saw Mashu sitting between Medusa and Ushiwakamaru. The boy breathed a sigh of relief. Now that he had calmed down, he finally realized the Servants were sitting around him and Olga.

“So you have awakened, Master,” Emiya greeted him. “Caster Cu had already disappeared since the War is over, but he passed on his goodbye.”

Gudao nodded, happy it was now over. That was when he noticed something.

“What… happened to Gudako?” He was referring to the fact she was tied up and had her head plunged into the ground.

“...you don’t want to know,” Lan Cu answered.

“Now that Master is awake, we should finally get the Grail and get out of here,” Emiya pointed out.

“Right,” Gudao acknowledged. They all got up and prepared to go get the Grail. 

Babbage walked over and pulled Gudako out of the ground. “Oh, you awaken? You missed something quite wonderful.”

“No, she does not!” Olga countered with a light blush.

“Anyways, are we finishing this? This prologue dragged on long enough if you ask me,” Gudako said.

“Right,” Gudao replied. He was quite tired of this charade as well. They really needed to find a way to revert Gudako back to normal.

With that, they marched toward the Grail, though none of them except Geronimo seemed to notice Stheno was still missing; the Caster remained silent about the absence of his most sane colleague, however. Upon reaching the base of the light tower, Mash reached into the light and pulled out the Grail itself.

“So, that’s it… we have won…” Olga whispered. All her effort, all of her family fortune, all invested into Chaldea, and now it had finally borne fruit.

Everyone was smiling at their success. Gudao turned to Olga. “Thank you, Director,” the boy said.

“Eh…?” The heiress was caught off guard.

“Without you, we wouldn’t have survived,” Gudao started. “With your advice and guidance, we have managed to win this. So again, thank you.”

“No credit to me, huh?” Gudako bemused. She received a blow to the head from Emiya for ruining the moment.

“I… I…” Olga didn’t know how to reply. If anything, she was overwhelmed. All these years of hard work, she had never once expected a simple thank you from anyone – she only did it to continue her father’s legacy and save humanity, after all, but now… someone had finally said it. It might have been but a simple word of gratitude, but it was enough to drive this lonely girl to tears. The director sobbed, but remembering the situation they were in, she quickly regained her composure. “N-Nonsense! You and Gudako are the Masters here. It is you two who do most of the heavy lifting.”

Well, it was actually Gudako and her Servants who did a lot more than Gudao (Lu Bu destroyed those Assassin and Lancer Shadow Servants, Lan Cu defeated Shadow EMIYA, and Geronimo defeated Saber Alter), but she herself caused enough…  _ more than enough _ moral damage for Olga to admit that.

“Yes, but it is  _ you _ who gather us here. Without you, we wouldn’t have been the Masters in the first place,” Gudao pointed out.

That caused the heiress to go back to sobbing. It was always Olga’s dream to become one among the Master candidates of Chaldea, but her dream was shattered a long time ago. Yet now, one of those Masters was here, telling her he couldn’t do it without her; essentially, telling her she was as important as he was.

“T-Thank you,” the white-haired girl managed to mutter.

“This makes me sick,” a new voice suddenly boomed up. 

They all turned to the new voice. On the cliff nearby was a curly-haired man.

“Lev!” Olga cried out happily as she saw her old friend. 

Gudako, however, knew better and she had been preparing for this moment.

Using a spell, she began telepathically communicating with her Servants, while ignoring Lev’s obligatory villain monologue about how he hated Olga and blah, blah, blah, so generic; at least Zoken and Darnic had proven themselves to be genuine threats, Lev just… died two chapters in.

_ ‘Test, test, can you people hear me?’ _ Gudako said to her Servant.

_ ‘Wh-Wha…! Master, you can use telepathy?!’ _ Lan Cu questioned in confusion, though he kept his stoic expression as he pretended to listen to Lev.

_ ‘Yup! Is everyone now prepared?’ _

_ ‘Yes,’ _ Geronimo affirmed.

_ ‘■■,’ _ Lu Bu replied, much louder than the other two.

_ ‘I am in position and have the target in sight,’ _ Stheno called out, causing Cu to finally realize she was missing throughout the whole fight with Saber Alter.  _ ‘I also got the package you requested, Master.’ _

_ ‘Good; with this, we should be good to go,’ _ Gudako chuckled.

_ ‘Hold on?! What are you people talking about?!’ _ Lan Cu asked.

_ ‘I know of the future… and let’s keep it at that,’ _ the orange-haired Master clarified vaguely.  _ ‘I didn’t tell you because you are not the most essential Servants in my plan, while Stheno is absolutely vital. Now that it’s nearly time, I believe it is nearly an appropriate time to tell you to charge up your Gae Bolg. Get ready!’ _

Lancer mentally nodded and began to subtly channel his Prana into his spear. Geronimo secretly handed Gudako a rope behind Lu Bu, who blocked their exchange from the mad mage. The midget tied a knot over Gudao’s ankle before handing the rope to her Berserker. 

Now, they were ready for “Operation: Save Olga for my own benefit”.

Just in time as well. Lev finally lifted Olga up in the air using his spell after she charged at him. Above the Director was the Chaldea machine, ready to become her doom. After he explained his intention, she could only stare in despair with tears rolling down her eyes as her doom awaited.

“No…” Olga muttered in disbelief. “SOMEONE SAVE ME!” She cried.

Gudao and Mash were ready to run up, trying to get to the director, but Gudako knew that wouldn’t be enough, so she finally initiated her plan.

“NOW!” Gudako shouted. Lu Bu immediately grabbed Gudao by his shirt and threw him at the director, causing him to crash into her. “Hug her!” Gudako commanded. Her male counterpart immediately did as he was told and hugged the Director tight, a hug which the white-haired girl returned with all her might.

Gudao’s Servants were still confused until Gudako handed them the rope, which they saw were actually connected to their Master’s ankle. “Pull!” The gremlin ordered and Geronimo and Lu Bu quickly pulled the rope, dragging their Master and Olga back down. The others followed suit and pulled the rope as well, except for Cu, who readied his spear instead.

“What are yo-” Before Lev could finish questioning what they were doing, a knife stabbed through him in the back and pierced his heart. “AGHH!!” 

“What a repulsive man,” Stheno mused in disgust. She was chosen by Gudako to perform the sneak attack on Lev in order to cancel his levitating spell – her Presence Concealment was ranked A+, after all. The loli Assassin pushed the mage down from the cliff. “Cu!”

The Hound of Ulster leaped into the air and readied his weapon.  **“Your heart…”** The legendary spear flared up in intense red light. **“...is Mine! Gae Bolg!”** Lancer threw his weapon before the mad mage could conjure up any meaningful defense. 

The impact of Noble Phantasm sent a large cloud of dust into the air, and instantly the Director could feel gravity working on her once again; meaning, Lev is dead.

“Ahhh!” Gudao and Olga screamed, as they began falling and the tension of death-by-burning left them.

“Senpai! Director!” Mashu yelled in panic and quickly ran up to catch them, which she easily achieved, being a Demi-Servant, allowing them to land on each of her arms. “Director, are you al-” 

She didn’t get to finish when Olga dragged her and her senpai into a hug. Now, the white-haired girl was crying openly, relieved at surviving this ordeal and could no longer control her emotion.

The Servants and Gudako only looked on, until Stheno arrived with an extra package with her: a homunculus.

“At first, I was extremely confused as to why you ordered me to capture one of the wandering homunculi, and then go hide at that specific location,” she pointed at the cliff where she tossed Lev down. “Now, though, I am confused at another thing. How do you know all of  _ this _ ? About this city, about our abilities even though you have just summoned us, and how do you  _ know _ about where Lev is going to be?” The loli Assassin finished listing off her questions. 

Now, every Servant turned to her, equally wanting to know how their Master/co-Master could manage to do all of this.

Gudako showed them a smug grin. “If I tell you everything, it won’t be fun, will it now?” That was all she was willing to answer before she dragged the tied-up homunculus with her toward the crying Olga. “Guys!” She called out and caught the group’s attention. “I got a homunculus here! We can transfer the Director’s soul into it!” She was referring to the problem regarding Olga’s real body’s death in the explosion at Chaldea, and what standing here right now was the Director’s soul.

The ground began to shake. 

_ “T-the Singularity is collapsing!” _ Roman said through the wrist device.  _ “You people need to get out of there! We are preparing the Rayshift! Just hang on for a few minutes!” _

“Quick, Gudao! We have to transfer Olga into the homunculus  _ now _ ! Or she will be stuck here!” Gudako quickly told them. “Babbage! Gerry! Come help out as well! You guys are Casters!” Everyone who was called out quickly got up to Olga to help out with this transferring process.

The white-haired girl could only stare in astonishment at the girl she had once thought was nothing but an obstacle in Chaldea’s operation. Feeling extremely guilty, Olga was about to apologize, but Gudako spoke up. 

“Don’t worry about it, Chief. Couldn’t let you die here.” A sadistic smile crept onto Gudako’s face. “I still haven’t lewd or extort any Quartz from you yet.”

Olga suddenly felt maybe, just  _ maybe _ , it might have been more merciful for her to die by being thrown into the Chaldea machine.

She’s not wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Nothing that needed to be addressed for now, already bragging about my roll.
> 
> [1] Forget that not everyone knows what this means. It’s a meme from Fate/Stay Night and Carnival Phantasm since Lancer dies all the time in that light novel. 
> 
> Lancer ga shinda! = Lancer is dead!
> 
> Kono hito de nashi! = You aren’t human!


	4. Back in Chaldea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The more I look, the more I want Artoria Bunny Ruler. Next year for sure. For now, I will have to work toward Solomon if I want to do this year GudaGuda — I already missed Setsuban… oh wait, there’s Journey to the West and Apocrypha event too, fuck.
> 
> Also now that we got back to Chaldea, we can add ‘Fragments of Chaldea’ by GhostXavier as another inspiration though my work would be more humor oriented with a dash of crack, or a lot of cracks.
> 
> Beta by ekaterina016

The team and their Servants emerged from the tunnel of light created from the Rayshifting process. Gudao, Mash, and Olga breathed out a sigh of relief at coming back alive from their first mission… but not Gudako, because she didn’t seem like she even needed to breathe like a normal human being.

“Medic team!” Doctor Roman yelled.

As soon as the words left his mouth, a team of Chaldea staff rushed forward to check on them, especially Director Olga, who received a lot of attention — since she was now a homunculus and all. In contrast, the medical staff ignored Gudako entirely. Seeing this, Doctor Roman just sighed and approached her himself.

“Hey, Gudako-chan, how are you?” The trusted doctor of Chaldea greeted as cordially as he could.

“Everybody keeps asking ‘how is Gudako’, but no one ever asks ‘what is Gudako’,” the girl said with fake cartoonish tears.

‘I would, but… look at you,’ Roman thought. He still couldn’t quite comprehend Gudako’s new cartoonish abominable form either.

“Say, you got an empty room for me to use? I can’t use my bedroom, it’s too small,” the orange-haired girl requested.

Roman dreaded to ask but he had to, “A room? For what?”

“Because I need somewhere to set these up,” Gudako said, pointing at something.

The doctor followed the girl’s index finger. His jaw dropped upon discovering an entire truck in the chamber. “Wah?! How is this thing get in here?!” Roman yelled. Now that he got a better look at it, this was the same truck Gudako had acquired from Fuyuki. Though the question remained: How did it get here? They didn’t target it for Rayshifting and it was too far away to be sucked in along with everyone here. Did Gudako just drag it along with her?

After just a few minutes of guessing, Roman groaned in resignation. This had been a long day and everyone was injured, mentally exhausted, or extremely tired. He would just play along with this and figured what happened to the girl later.

“Right, you were… umm, asking for a room, right?” Roman asked with a forced smile. Gudako just nodded. “Well, we might have free space now the facility has been… compromised.”

“What do you mean by that?” Olga asked.

Roman facepalmed. He was so focused on Gudako he forgot the Director was here as well. He really didn’t want to break to her the bad news when she was still vulnerable mentally and physically — she would break, and they needed their leader now more than ever.

“I-I will explain it to you later,” Romani reassured. “A-Anyways, Aashna-san!” The doctor called out one of the staff ― a woman with a dark complexion and a name which easily identified her as someone hailing from India. The employee tore her eyes away from Medusa, whom she was examining. “Can you please show Gudako-chan here Room 76?” Roman instructed.

The woman’s gaze shifted nervously between Gudako and the doctor. After a few seconds to compose herself, she finally nodded.

“Lead the way then!” Gudako said cheerfully, before going over to the truck and lifted it up with ease.

“R-Right this way,” Aashna said as she escorted them both toward the exit. She kept glancing back at Gudako and Romani, who had a grateful smile and pressed his hand together to give a silent ‘I am sorry’... or was he praying for her? The employee just took a deep breath and continued to walk on, though as she transited to the smaller hallway, she was worried Gudako’s truck would cause more damage to the barely running facility. She was shocked to find some kind of cartoon logic applied to the truck, and it was squeezing through the all-too-small hallway like a balloon. She just walked faster, borderline running, wanting nothing more than to be rid of Gudako.

Everyone who saw the whole display could only watch in astonishment and silence. The stillness was only broken by the footsteps of Geronimo walking away from the group.

“Where are you going?” Cu Chulainn asked.

“I need a drink,” the Native American answered.

Everyone felt inclined to do the same.

* * *

EMIYA opened his eyes and sighed. He couldn’t sleep. Not that he needed to, being a Servant and all that, but this was one of the few things which reminded all Servants they were once human — along with eating food. 

What robbed him of this joy, one might ask? 

Well, on top of the many events happening in such a short span of time, including having to kill Artoria (again), his roommate happened to one of the loudest snorers he had ever had the displeasure of knowing.

The Red Archer sat up on his bed and looked over to Cu, who was sleeping soundly and fooling everyone outside that this was an engine room with his snoring. EMIYA ran his hand through his hair before getting out of bed and walked toward the bathroom. He quickly washed his face and brushed his teeth. If he wasn’t getting any sleep, he might as well go do something productive instead.

After preparing himself for the day ahead, the Counter Spirit walked out of the bathroom and headed straight for the door. He spared a quick glance at the clock to see the time — 4:26 in the morning — before walking out the metal door.

He strode through the empty, dimly lit, and muted hallway of Chaldea. From what the acting-director, Dr. Romani, told him, the facility was running on the emergency generators, several essential parts of Chaldea were damaged, and many of the staff had perished in the sabotage — calling the situation ‘grim’ would be like saying ‘it’s just a rain’ in the middle of a hurricane. The Doctor, however, ended the report on a positive note. 

Roman said, ”Da Vinci-chan had been preparing robots in case of an emergency like this, and any Servant summoned will be of great help to the overall effort and survivability of Chaldea,” before taking Gudao and Olga to the medical ward, while everyone else, except Babbage, was dismissed. The Steam King was requested to assist them with fixing the power generators, along with figuring an alternate fuel source to sustain Chaldea; because, as it turned out, no fuel or other supplies would be coming. 

Why?

EMIYA just looked out the viewport in the hallway and stared at the snowy desolate wasteland and a wall of maelstroms which had now surrounded them. The Human Order was on the brink of collapse, and they were the last hope of humanity. Now he knew why Alaya would assign him to be a Servant here, and Gudao didn’t seem like a bad Master himself.

On the subject of Masters, however, EMIYA couldn’t help but worry about his co-Master. To say Gudako was _weird_ would be one of the greatest understatements in the history of humanity. That wasn't Archer's concern, however ― he had had worse Masters… though he had a gut feeling she might top them all and became, as Stheno had put it, ‘the worst Master ever’. 

In any event, he wasn’t sure how he should feel about his Master’s knowledge of his previous life, and not just him, but everyone involved in Fuyuki’s Fifth Grail War. How did she find his pan, which could only be found at the Emiya’s estate? 

The red Archer just shook his head. He was overthinking things when he did not have the luxury to do so. For now, he must help Chaldea recover from its loss.

That was when he heard it. A sound familiar to him back when he still wandered the world, helping people. A silent sobbing echoed in the air. It was extremely faint, but his ears were so used to it he could hear and locate it easily. EMIYA decided to follow the melancholic sound to its source. 

He approached the cafeteria.

The metallic door quietly hissed as it automatically slid open for him to enter. The Archer’s eyebrows furrowed at the first sight which greeted him. Geronimo was dead-drunk and knocked out on one of the tables, several bottles of alcohol accompanying him. Didn’t the Doctor say they were rationing?

EMIYA was reminded why he was here when he heard the same sobbing echoing from beyond the counter. Archer marched on, passing the unconscious Caster and toward the door leading to the food preparation area. He opened the door and could immediately tell this was a transit point where the prepared food was put on plates, rather than the actual kitchen, due to the lack of any proper kitchenware or cooking appliances. 

Looking around, he found another door leading deeper — the light inside was turned on, as evidenced by the orange glow leaking from the door bottom. Again, EMIYA walked forward and passed through one more door. 

This time he found a real kitchen, a roughly 30x30 room with a smaller room on the right end, taking up a quarter of the chamber. To his right was a large table along with several cabinets containing ingredients and condiments; to his left was a sizable table and a line of wall counters covering that entire side, connected to the appliances area, where machines such as stoves and ovens were installed, located further on the left with another medium-sized table.

Despite taking in the details, with the exception of the smaller room, EMIYA’s real focus was on a crying woman sitting at one of the tables, with the only light source in the room shining above her — as if to highlight her misery. The white-haired man carefully approached her. He made sure his steps were heavy enough to notify her, since he would rather not scare the living daylight out of her.

Hearing his approach, the staff turned to face EMIYA and allowed the Archer to see her visage. It was obvious she was in her mid-adult years judging from her facial features, though it did not seem to hinder her beauty. Her green eyes and blonde hair reflected most of the light in the room. The dry tear seemed to stain her orange Chaldea uniform.

Upon seeing him, she tried to gather her composure and asked, “I-I am sorry? Did I-I disturb your sleep?” She asked, trying to stop her sobbing.

“No, I just heard someone crying, so I come to check if everything is okay,” EMIYA answered.

“I-I am fine, really…” she said and tried to force a weak smile.

“Look,” EMIYA said and walked slowly toward her. “From what I heard from Doctor Roman, a lot of people die today from sabotage. Many friends, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands, children, and many more died in that explosion.” Now, the woman’s visage began to twist as she found it impossible to maintain even a meek grin. “We have all dealt with the loss of loved ones at some point… and it is okay to let it out. We are all only human — our heart isn't made out of steel.” He knelt down so his face was on her eyes level and put a hand on her shoulders before giving them a soft squeeze. “It’s okay to cry.” [1]

The woman leaped forward and pulled him into a tight hug before breaking down into a sobbing mess in the Archer’s arms.

“There, there,” EMIYA comforted and gently stroked her head. He couldn’t remember the last time he had helped a person on a personal level like this. It felt so… good.

“My-My husband,” she cried between the hiccup. “He was at- He was-” In the end, she could not speak any longer and let her heart and eyes cried itself out.

Eventually, after a whole ten minutes, a head peaked through the kitchen door.

“I heard crying,” Geronimo said. “Is everything alright?”

“Y-Yea… I am better now.” It was the woman who answered in EMIYA place. She pulled herself away from him and wiped the tear from her eyes. “Thank you,” she said with a smile to Archer.

“Don’t mention it.” EMIYA returned her smile with his own.

“Well, whatever happened, I am glad it was resolved with a positive outcome.” Geronimo joined them. “Say, who are you, miss?”

“Oh, I am Missu-” She paused before bitterly closing her mouth for a second. “Miss Madelyn Fournier, the head chef of Chaldea.”

“I see, it’s nice to meet you Madelyn. I am Arc- Sorry, a force of habit… I am EMIYA,” the Red Archer introduced.

“And I am Geronimo.”

“You two are Heroic Spirits, right? You are the talk among the staff… Well, the living ones anyway,” she said with an undertone of depression.

“Let’s not think of the bad things for now,” EMIYA reminded her. “Since you are here earlier, I assume you are here to prepare the kitchen for today, right?”

“That’s correct. It’s my duty as the head chef, after all. Plus, with all the things which had been happening, I couldn’t really sleep.” Both Heroic Spirits nodded in understanding. “Though, if you don’t mind me asking…”

“We don’t, I highly doubt whatever you are going to ask will hurt our feelings.” Rin had done a lot worse to him.

Madelyn nodded. “Well, from what I heard, Heroic Spirits didn’t need to eat so…”

“Oh that, yeah, we don’t, but it helps us feel… better,” EMIYA explained.

“Like a normal human being,” Geronimo added.

“Well, true, but you could have put it a little better.”

It was at this moment Geronimo's expression turned deadly blank. Caster slowly leaned toward EMIYA face until he was uncomfortably close to the Archer. “Try having a Master like mine and see if you will give a shit to many things.” The Native American let the excruciating atmosphere wash over EMIYA for a few minutes.

‘By Alaya, why does he look so… dead on the inside?’ EMIYA thought.

“Umm,” Madelyn broke the silence, unsure about what was going on.

Geronimo retreated his face and turned to the blonde woman, “I will go clean up the bottles.” Caster left solemnly.

“W-well, I should get started. Since we can’t get any supply of food anymore, vegetables have to be pickled, meats have to be salted, and a lot of food needs to be preserved,” Madelyn explained.

“Mind if I help out?” EMIYA asked.

Madelyn could only respond with a look of surprise. “You know how to cook, Monsieur Emiya?”

“I used to cook a lot before becoming a Heroic Spirits.” Well, he was actually a Counter Guardian, but let not get into the minor details. “I don’t mind helping out; besides, you are short on staff, right?” EMIYA soon realized he shouldn’t have asked that, as Madelyn became sadden again.

“Yes… every department is,” Madelyn confessed.

“Right, sorry,” the white-haired man apologized. “So, can you show me around a little before we got to work, Madelyn?”

With that simple question, Madelyn immediately lit up. “Of course, I will give you a tour, and please just call me Maddie.”

She then gave EMIYA a short tour of the kitchen. The place was separated into four zones: a prep zone for processing raw ingredients, the ‘proper’ line of fire for cooks, and a regular storage area for utensils, spices, seasoning ingredients, and condiments. Most of the real food, like meats and vegetables, was in a separate cold room. As for that last small room, it was a room dedicated to making flour-based food — a mixture of a bakery and pâtisserie, if one would.

EMIYA smiled. So much for him to work with. 

Wait…

“Huh,” the Archer mused.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s just… this reminded a bit of one of the Grail War I participated in. After it was over, I stayed there for a while and became something akin to a chef. The most surprising thing was Cu survived… How did I forget that?” 

Who would have thought something like the ‘Emiya-sanchi no Kyō no Gohan’ universe would exist — not that anyone was complaining; more of the three best girls was always better.

“Umm…” Maddie was quite lost at what the Archer was talking about at this point.

“Oh, sorry, just thinking about the past… So, about those pickles…”

Geronimo suddenly came through the door, looking a little alert. “Sorry to bother you again, but Berserker… umm, I mean Lu Bu is at the front counter, looking like he wanted something,” the Native American explained.

“Wait here, please,” EMIYA told Madelyn, who looked a little confused, but nodded eventually. The white-haired man bolted for the door and walked beside Caster. “What is he doing? Lu Bu I mean.”

“He just folded and tapped his feet, but he is a Berserker — it shouldn’t take long before the Madness Enchantment overcomes his patience.” EMIYA nodded in affirmation.

They walked out of the kitchen and toward the front counter of the cafeteria. The two Servants soon came face-to-face with the Servant known to be the strongest warrior during the Three Kingdoms period. EMIYA knew he had to be careful. While this Berserker wasn’t Hercules — and thus not as fearsome in terms of raw strength — he was _Lu Bu, the Bastard with Three Fathers_. At least Herc was held back by his bond with Illya, but this warrior in red armor was known far and wide for his treacherous nature.

EMIYA paused in front of Lu Bu, on the opposite side of the counter. Berserker just stared at him with those white pupil-less eyes, while his face remained stoic if a little aloft somewhat.

“Can I help you with something?” The Red Archer started.

“■■■” Lu Bu replied with his incomprehensible Berserker-speech.

“Sorry, but I can’t really understand you,” EMIYA admitted with a neutral tone, trying not to agitate the Berserker.

His attempt failed as Berserker eyebrows turned into a deep frown. “■” Berserker said again, this time also motioning his hand toward his opening mouth while arranging his finger to look like he was holding something round. “■”

EMIYA and Geronimo seemed to get what he was saying now. “You want to eat something?” Caster asked.

Lu Bu nodded. “■”

Now EMIYA finally deciphered what was the word Lu Bu was trying to say. “Bao?” EMIYA guessed, the grunt sounded very similar to that word. Lu Bu nodded vigorously, confirming the guess. “You want to eat some bao?” The Berserker nodded again.

Seeing that rejecting the Berserker could result in potential rage — and thus more damage to Chaldea — EMIYA nodded. Though he added, “No fancy filling like BBQ, though ― we _are_ rationing, so only regular pork filling.” Lu Bu grumbled, but nodded nonetheless. Archer then turned to Geronimo, “Keep an eye on him.” With that, EMIYA walked back to the kitchen.

Geronimo looked around. While the light above the counter was turned on, the rest of the cafeteria remained dark. To make things more uncomfortable, the Berserker was breathing heavily. Caster leaned forward on the countertop while putting one arm on the counter.

“So, umm… I heard you are famous for your horseback riding skill.” He might as well start a semi-one-sided conversation.

“■■■■― ■■■■■■ ■■――”

“I see. What breed may I ask?” Caster asked.

“■■―” Lu Bu answered.

“Wait, didn't the Ferghana breed go extinct a long time ago?”

“■■” Lu Bu made a low noise, while his face fell and eyes closed in some manner of mourning, which surprised Caster greatly. To think a Berserker would have any strong emotion besides rage remaining, and it was even a bond he once had with his animal companion. “■■■■―■■■―”

“I am sorry to hear that. I envy you a little for that. In all my life, the horses I rode were never mine. They might have let me sit on their back, but I had never seen a glint of trust in their eyes. But your Red Hare sounded like a true friend, not just a mere steed,” Geronimo praised.

Lu Bu nodded with his eyes remaining closed, but, at this point, it appeared the armored warrior was now deep in thought; strange, considering he was a… well, Berserker. Perhaps it was another one of their Master strange encha-

Wait. How the hell did _he_ manage to understand Berserker’s ‘speech’?

* * *

It took a while, but EMIYA came back with two plates of about a dozen steamed buns, also known as bao or baozi.

“Here we go,” EMIYA said with a smile and laid down the plate.

Without a moment to waste, Lu Bu reached for the steam-fuming bao. The Warrior Without Peer took a bite without regard for the temperature of the food. Two other Servants believed he got his tongue burnt when he suddenly stopped chewing.

“You should put it down,” Geronimo advised. “Do you need some wat-”

The two weren't prepared when the Berserker renewed his chewing with vigor as the continuation of that reaction. Lu Bu gave EMIYA a thumbs-up as he took another bite. 

The Archer just smirked. He still got it. “Try it as well, I made enough for all of us,” EMIYA said to Geronimo.

With permission granted, Caster took a bao into his hand and bit in. Soon, he too indulged in the pork-filled bun goodness. The steamed bun didn’t overtake or hinder the flavorful taste of the pork, while the texture of the filling itself complemented the softness of the bun well. Before Geronimo knew it, he had finished the entire thing.

“How was it?” EMIYA asked.

“I am generally indifferent when it comes to the taste of the food — we eat to live, not live to eat. However, if it was your cooking, I would not hesitate to give a compliment every time I taste them,” Caster admired.

“■” Lu Bu bellowed in agreement.

“Oh, come on now,” EMIYA chuckled at their compliment.

The door to the cafeteria was suddenly slammed open. Wasn’t it an automatic _sliding door_?

“Guys, holy shit!” Of course, their peace wouldn’t last — because Gudako had come into the room. The orange-haired girl looked extremely distressed as she quickly sprinted with her short legs towards the counter. “Guys! Do you know we will be having a collaboration with Fate/Requiem?!”

“Umm… no?” Caster answered.

Apparently, that was the wrong answer as Geronimo was punched in the face and knocked out… _again_. Lu Bu chuckled with glee — one less competition for the rest of the bao.

“Five seconds to answer,” Gudako threatened and pointed at EMIYA.

“U-Uh,” Archer looked around before mustering up a random answer. “More… Servants…?”

Silence followed, occasionally interrupted with Lu Bu’s chewing sound. 

“Well… you’re not wrong,” Gudako said thoughtfully and held her chin — then the outrage returned. “B-BUT I DON’T WANT A COLLAB WITH FATE/REQUIEM!” She dashed for the door. “I DON’T WANT A COLLAB WITH FUCKING _FATE/REQUIEM_!!!” Instead of going through the door like a normal person, which she wasn’t, Gudako crashed through the wall into the hallway. EMIYA could still hear her shouting as she went. “DW YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! GODDAMMIT! LEARN TO LISTEN TO FANS! MAKE FATE/PROTOTYPE COLLAB, YOU LAZY SHIT! GIVE ME MORE FUCKING QUARTZ!”

After she was out of hearing range, things returned to absolute silence — save for the sound of bao being chewed by Berserker.

“I heard crashing! What’s going on?!” Madelyn ran out of the kitchen after hearing the commotion. All she saw was the unconscious Geronimo, the chewing Lu Bu, the hole in the wall, and EMIYA with a thousand-yards stare.

‘Suddenly, Rin didn’t feel so bad as a Master anymore,’ EMIYA thought, as whatever questions Madelyn just asked went through his skull without being registered.

* * *

Gudao slowly woke up. Was that all a dream?

Ritsuka felt something shuffling under his blanket. He quickly lifted the fabric up to discover the purple-haired girl hugging him as she slept.

“Sen… pai…” Mash whispered in her sleep.

Gudao, meanwhile, had a full-body blush as he tried to calm his nerves. His rational mind told him to pry himself away, but his subconscious decided to tell him another order. She was in his bed and hugging him at her own volition, right? So… would it be wrong if he… returned the favor? Steadily and cautiously, the boy's arms stiffly moved behind Mash. With a silent motion, he returned the hug.

 _‘So… soft.’_ He felt like melting in her arms — probably because it was his first time doing consensual hugging — though he would just settle for returning to sleep with his kouhai instead. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the case.

His door was suddenly kicked open — shocking both him and Mash back into the waking world.

“What the hell!?” Gudao yelled and looked at the door. They were blinded momentarily as the light from the hallway flooded into the room. As the two regained their vision, they saw Gudako standing at the doorway.

“Now isn’t the time to be sleeping! We have Saber Wars and Apocrypha-rerun to farm!” Gudako shouted as her hands extended and grabbed both her colleagues off their bed, before dragging them along the hallway in their nightwear — shorts and T-shirt for Gudao and long pajama pants and long-sleeved pajama shirt for Mash. [2]

“W-Where are we going?!” Gudao screamed as he and Mash struggled in vain.

“We have to go find Director Olga! With her money, we will have infinite rolls and we could even pay DW to make FGO and Tsukihime Collab!” Gudako said excitedly as she salivated. “Arcueid! Hakuno! Just you all wait! I shall reunite us Type/Moon’s heroines here in Chaldea!” 

…even though Tsukihime had multiple heroines. 

Across the multiverse, two certain women suddenly felt a chill down their spine and wondered what was that about — the vampiress didn’t even know she could get a shiver.

* * *

Geronimo opened his eyes with a feeling of deja vu. He stared at the ceiling, contemplating at its emptiness.

“Hey, he's awake.” Someone said from beyond his view… sounded like D'Eon.

A face suddenly came into his view ― Doctor Roman. The pinkish orange-haired doctor pulled up four fingers. “How many fingers do you see?” He asked.

“Four, but it’s a little… blurry,” Caster answered.

“That’s good, actually,” Roman reassured with a smile before pulling his face away. “Please go wash your face, it will help a little.”

Geronimo got up and saw all the available Servants had gathered into the room, which seemed to be the infirmary lobby if the red cross symbol and a reception counter were any indications. What really caught his attention though was a brunette beauty dressed in a red and blue short dress with a staff in her hand. It didn’t take much to guess she was a Servant—he could only feel Mana coming from her, after all without even a hint of Od. The real question he had, though, was when did she was summoned? Master Gudako, who was pinned down under this woman’s feet, didn’t cause even a pause in his thought.

“Right, now we are all here and conscious, we can start,” she said with a cheery, elegant voice before turning to Master Gudao and Mash, whom he noted were still in their sleepwear. “First, an introduction. My name is Leonardo da Vinci, Caster.”

“Wha-?! But you’re a woman!” Gudao asked, confused, since for his entire life he believed Leonardo da Vinci was a man.

“I was in life, but let’s just say I chose a new body which represents my ideal beauty,” she said with a confident smile, ignoring Stheno who said ‘Pfft’. “But back to the point. As Roman might have said to you last night, we are now the last hope to save mankind from the Incineration of Humanity, but to achieve that, we must accomplish multiple tasks with utmost efficiency. However, due to circumstances, one of the two hopes of humanity….” She gestured at Gudako, whose eyes were still disturbingly open and staring at Da Vinci, “...ended up like this. So, it is up to us to find the cause and fix her up.” She took out a pair of glasses and put them on before grabbing a paper off the counter.

She looked down at Gudako. “Ritsuka Fujimaru, correct?” The abomination didn’t answer, merely continuing to stare. “Well, let’s begin with a clarification. After doing some digging into our computer system, it turned out you and Gudao-kun are cousins.”

Everyone there was surprised at that fact, especially Gudao.

“Hmm…” Gudako mused as she held her chin. “Maybe we are related through Grandmama Nobu.”

“Of course!” Gudao said and smacked his own forehead. “It’s Grandmama Nobu; that’s why we have the same surname.”

“Oh, shit, so we really are cousins!”

“Care to elaborate on that, Gudao-kun? All we see as the relating point in your family record is a woman named Nobuko Fujimaru.”

““Yup, that’s Grandmama Nobu!”” Both Ritsukas said in unison before clearing their throat. 

**““Born in Osaka with only her da’,** **  
****moved around with him ‘till she reached Nara.** **  
****Found out she’s related to Nobunaga,** **  
****then conquer her school before laughing ‘Ha!’””**

Everyone blinked. Were they… singing? 

Yes… yes, they were. 

**““Afterward was her first marriage,** **  
****though he’s dead, their bond she cherished.** **  
****Then six husbands and two wives came next.** **  
****Despite she left them, no one objected.** **  
****Though long gone, her tales persisted,** **  
****for without her we would not exist.””**

A short silence followed as Gudao and Gudako looked at each other in the eyes like long lost siblings, while their Servants, plus Roman and Da Vinci, looked on in mild astonishment. The silence was only broken when Cu slowly applauded them, mostly about how in sync the two are ― because let’s be frank: the poem was more than a little mediocre.

“Huh, guess we really are family,” Gudako said with her usual ‘default’ expression.

“Yeah, only the true descendants of Grandmama Nobu would know that song… and friends of the family of course,” Gudao agreed.

“Family, huh?” Mash whispered to herself, averting her eyes from them.

“You remember Cousin Orki?” Gudako asked. 

“Yeah, still doesn’t get why everyone called him that. His real name is Okita,” Gudao answered.

“I think that’s what his Swedish friends called him, and it just stuck,” Gudako answered.

“Alright, we got it, you two!” Roman interrupted. “So that answers why you two have the same surname, with your real name just being accidentally identical. Okay, now we can move on to something more serious.” The doctor knelt beside the pinned-down Gudako. “We are going to figure out what happened to you during that Rayshifting.”

“As I said, I ended up traveling through the Dimension of Salt, and they changed me — for the better,” Gudako explained.

‘Not for the better, no,’ all Servants there thought.

Archaman sighed, “Still, we have to turn you back to normal. We can’t just-”

“Now, hold on! Why would I want to go back to being normal, hmm?” 

“What do you mean by that!?” Roman raised his voice. “We don't even know if this… transformation has any side effects. You can’t-”

“Remember how I saved Olga?” Gudako interrupted and silenced him. “You know, she was actually supposed to die in Fuyuki. What’s more, do you remember why I just told Stheno to go find a homunculus?” No one replied to her question. “See, most of my actions aren’t random. It’s something I knew, but shouldn’t. All this knowledge can be used to our advantage against the creature responsible for the Incineration of Humanity. So, by all means, I will stick with being me, and you can stick your Magi*Mari glowing sticks up Merlin’s ass.” Another silence followed along with a great deal of hesitation flashed in Roman’s eyes. “Still need some convincing? Alright, I gotcha’.”

With a sudden immeasurable strength, the orange-haired girl broke free from underneath Da Vinci’s boot. With speed most could only perceive as a blurring circle, she tied the Caster with rope and a ball gag locked over her mouth.

“MMMM! MMM!” Da Vinci could only give out muffled screams.

“Quiet, you. This is a payback for all those stuffs you have been tricking me into buying and for selling only five Summoning Tickets a month!” Gudako ordered and tightened the rope. “See, Roman? I can even fight mid-level Servants just fine,” she bragged with a smirk. “Leave me be, it’s what I want.”

Roman sighed. It looked like he had no choice… Well, he _had_ one, but that would likely involve a lot of injured staff and Servants, if the fact Gudako could easily best Da Vinci was anything to go by. Chaldea was already packed with the injured, it was a miracle there they just had enough rooms in the infirmary to host everyone — albeit with many still had to sleep on makeshift beds or mattresses, but it’s better than lying on the hard floor or in the hallway. They could not afford any more injured.

“Fine… but please, at least let me do some check up on you from time to time. I would still like to monitor you. There’s no telling what will happen with that form of yours,” Romani said with concern. It was a genuine care for her, like a father towards a daughter.

Gudako, for her part, only dreaded to complete the Final Singularity, for more than difficulty reasons — she still looked forward to fucking up Barbatos, though. “That’s alright, I guess,” she agreed. 

“Fou!” A familiar bark suddenly rang in the room.

“Fou!” Mash said happily and took Fou into her arms. “Where have you been? I couldn’t find you anywhere.”

“Fou,” the little creature replied, before eyeing Gudako.

“Sup’, OG Fou! Haven’t seen you since Fuyuki!” The orange-haired girl greeted.

“Fou, fou fou!” Fou fouued.

“Wait, seriously? That’s why you aren’t around?”

“What did he just say?” Medusa asked quietly to her sister.

“How should I know? I can’t talk to animals,” Stheno replied annoyedly.

“He said the author forgot about him,” the female Master answered. Though in truth, Fou was much more aware of Gudako’s true condition — much more. “Sounds like an excuse for your sloppy writing.” 

Shut up. Everyone was weirded out with how you were talking to a non-existent entity, so shut up.

“Nuh-uh.” Shut it or I will make someone spook your roll. “I am a new player, all SSR and SR spooks are welcome.”

This chapter is over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: While some parts will be more like a creak-treat-seriously genre, I just want to give some moments the weight it deserves. So if that’s not your thing, you can usually skip them a little and find the next comedic segment.
> 
> The chapter was supposed to end with Gudao summoning an SSR servant (Oddy) from JP server so Gudako can be extra salty that she stuck with Global Servants, but I held off since Lostbelt 5.5 is due next month, if the leak was to be believed. Who knows who Gudao will summon…
> 
> Also, holy shit, who would expect the collab this year to be with Fate/Requiem. Guess that joke in the first chapter is a lot more relevant now, huh?
> 
> Btw, stay safe people.
> 
> [1] Best mom strikes again.
> 
> [2] Let’s go with it like they have accounts on both servers. Though since I don’t have a JP account, Servants on JP only will be shuffled a bit… a lot.


	5. The First Taste of Misery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Do you know how much Quartz I wasted on Ivan? I am now down to only paid Quartz, which I am absolutely not willing to spend… And I didn’t even get him! Ugh, fuck…
> 
> Beta-ed by ekaterina016

“Are you sure you want to be here?” Roman asked, concerned, to the person in the wheelchair. 

“Yes… I should supervise what I can,” she answered the doctor.

“Just don’t overdo it, alright?” Da Vinci added, patting the girl on the head.

Olga just nodded. She came right from the infirmary, as evidenced by the medical gown she was wearing. While she was still recovering and adjusting to her new body, the white-haired girl felt she should at least do something…  _ anything _ , besides laying in a state of semi-agony on the bed. So, when she heard about Da Vinci’s and Roman’s plan to summon new Servants this afternoon, she decided to come and oversee the process.

As Roman and Leonardo got back to work, Olga took a look around. It was fortunate the Summoning Chamber wasn’t damaged in the explosion, but the same couldn’t be said for the staff. Now, only these robots operated the Guardian Heroic Spirit Summoning System, or "FATE" for short. While each robot’s shape and form varied depending on its task, the ones in this chamber possessed two legs, two arms, and a single camera-like eye, and were generally metallic looking.

The door hissed open, drawing her attention. The ones walking into the room were Gudao and Gudako along with their Servants, with the exception of  Babbage. From what she’d heard, the robotic Caster had been extremely helpful to the energy situation of Chaldea. This was why they decided to try and summon more Servants. If they would get lucky, they could get someone who could resolve other issues.

Olga noticed Gudako looked half-dead, though, much to her confusion as nothing so far had managed to hurt the orange-haired girl. “What happened to her?”

“I-I just…” Gudako breathed out, trying to balancing herself. “I just saw the LB 5.2 spoiler and I was just… don’t know what to even feel…” Gudako confessed. “I also spent… I think it was 200 Quartz and twelve tickets on Ivan banner and, like, got only Sali to NP3.”

“Umm…” Olga had no idea what any of that meant. “W-Well, would summoning cheer you up?” Considering her previous reaction to the mere mention of ‘gacha’, this summoning plan they had might help with Gudako’s current emotional state.

“Ooo, Director, you know me so well!” Gudako thanked, stumbling forward and hugging the director’s legs.

Olga just sighed and stroked Gudako’s head. The white-haired girl felt pity for the orange-haired girl a little, to have been turned into something like this – somewhat inhuman, just like her. That was… until she felt hands crawling up the opening of her gown.

“Oi!” Olga shouted with a pink hue on her cheeks, swiping Gudako’s hands away. “Where are you touching!?”

“You want to make me feel better, right? Then offer yourself to me,” Gudako explained slyly. “Just like Mashu.”

“I did not! That was sexual harassment!” Mash screamed back with a red face.

“She did  _ what _ ?!” Gudao was outrageous at such a prospect.

A ‘thud’ interrupted them. They all turned around and saw it was Da Vinci with her staff in hand. “Alright, you two, we should get starting,” the brunette beauty ordered. “Now, Gudao-kun, Gudako-chan, upfront and center.” The two Masters obeyed. “Alright, I believe the director had explained to you two about the basics of summoning, correct?” The two nodded. “Okay, that’s good. Now, let me explain a few more points.” Da Vinci reached into her skirt’s pocket and pulled out three items: a yellow cube, a green cube, and a golden ticket.

“Ooo! A Summoning Ticket! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” Gudako walked forward and tried to reach for the golden ticket, but was stopped by Da Vinci using her staff like a cattle prod to keep her away.

“Now, now, don’t be greedy,” the Caster warned.

“After giving everything to Ivan and barely getting anything in return, I will take  _ every _ ticket and Quartz I could get my hands on. I need them for my Skadi fund.” Again, no one could understand what Gudako was saying.

“Anyways, Gudako-chan is correct. This is called ‘Summoning Ticket’. It is essentially the same as Saint Quartz, but it can be hand-made by yours truly. Unfortunately, I can only make one per week.”

“Bullshit!” Gudako cursed. “You have a stockpile of them and you are trying to sell them in a batch of five to make more profit!”

“Oh, that’s just ridiculous,” Da Vinci rebutted with a scowl on her face. “Why would I do that? And what would you even pay me with? We are at the end of the world.”

“With those two,” Gudako pointed at the two cubes. “Mana Prism and Rare Prism, they essentially stored energy meant to be used by magi to make something. That’s why Da Vinci-chan wants them, so she charges us these Prisms for any resource we want from her.”

“T-That’s not true!” Da Vinci denied.

Gudako’s hand extended forward cartoonishly to an extreme length and grabbed Da Vinci’s dress, before yanking the whole thing away, leaving the Caster only in her underwear: white lace bras and panties. Every jaw in the room dropped in shock, except for Gudao, who was checking if Da Vinci-chan had  _ one _ .

Gudako shook the torn dress around, and about twenty tickets and hundreds of prisms of both colors fell from various pockets of the inventor’s uniform. “See? I told you she was hoarding them,” the orange-haired girl declared, but, at this point, no one was paying attention to her.

Da Vinci, her face red as a tomato, remained dignified and turned to Roman. “C-Can I have your lab coat, please?”

Archaman broke out of his trance of ogling at Da Vinci’s voluptuous body. “O-Of course,” he said earnestly and walked over, before putting his own coat over Da Vinci, covering her up.

“Thanks,  _ dear _ ,” Caster teased, making the doctor blush slightly. “Now, then.” A dark and gold gauntlet materialized over Da Vinci’s hand. The brunette walked up toward an unaware Gudako with a dark smile on her face, who was scooping up the tickets, which prompted Gudao to back away. Once she was close enough, she pointed the palm of her device at Gudako and sent out a torrent of flame.

“AHH! I’m on fire! I’m on fire!” Gudako screamed in panic. “DROP! ROLL! DROP! ROLL!”

Da Vinci ignored Gudako’s agonizing wail and turned back to Gudao. “Alright, let's start with a… hmm… let’s call it a ‘warm-up’ summoning. You have a catalyst, right? A memento from Cas Cu?” Gudao nodded, though Lancer Cu sighed, since if his Caster self was actually summoned next, the ‘Lan Cu’ nickname would stick with him for a long time. “Good; place it on the platform over there so we can begin.”

Gudao quickly did as he was told, not wanting to end up like his female counterpart. After he laid down the aforementioned catalyst – an earring Cu had given them previously, the boy walked back to Da Vinci. “Alright, now, just pull this lever right here.” The brunette gestured at a prominent lever with a red handle. 

Ritsuka gripped his hand tightly around it and pulled. ‘Now, this really feels like a gacha,’ he thought to himself.

The summoning circle materialized, the light from the platform almost blinding him. Once it subsided, a familiar blue-haired man under a cerulean hood stood on the platform. “Huh? So, this time I am materialized as a Caster? Oh, it's you guys! It’s good to see you all again!” Cas Cu greeted before noticing something. “Oh, what is up with the girl this time?” 

He was, of course, referring to the fact Gudako was  _ still _ on fire, rolling all over the place on the ground.

“Umm, just her… usual shenanigans,” Gudao evaded the question while scratching the back of his head.

“Rrrrrrright…”

“Okay, the warm-up summoning is complete,” Da Vinci cheered and nodded to Roman, who flipped a few switches on the control panel. “Now, we will use the remaining energy in the FATE system which isn’t converted to electricity for the facilities. Usually, we would store a lot of them together in order to do minor summonings, but since our generators are damaged, we have to scrap anything we could. Therefore, there’s  _ one _ separate generator which produces this specific energy for summoning, so you should be able to do this at least once a day.”

“SO THAT HOW YOU EXPLAIN FRIEND POINTS SUMMONING!” Gudako screamed as she continued to roll on the floor in an attempt to put the fire out. At this point, Lan Cu was sympathetic and annoyed enough to walk over with the fire extinguisher in hand to put out the flame-engulfing Gudako.

Ignoring his colleague, Gudao just reached for the lever and pulled again.

In his first five rolls, he received nothing but Craft Essences — relatively weak ones as well, he noted. On his sixth roll, Lady Luck decided to grace him with her presence… not literally though, since there wasn't ‘Lady Luck’ Servant yet. Once the light from his sixth roll subsided, a brunette, dressed in an alluring and provocative belly dancer outfit which showed off her slender body, smooth skin, and large chest stood on the platform, making the males blush.

“Assassin-class Servant. I go by the name of Mata Hari. Nice to meet you,” the new Servant introduced.

“Hehehe,” Gudako chuckled after the fire was put out. “I would lewd you so hard right now if I am not in a state of constant agony!”

“You need a healer, Master?” Lan Cu asked.

“Nah, I can regenerate lost limbs and skin. Heck, as long as a single cell remains, I can regrow my whole body.”

“Oooookay… I will just be… standing  _ over there.” _ Cu quickly moved away.

“What are you? Cell from DBZ?” Gudao questioned.

“Nah, I am closer to Frieza, because **_this isn’t even my final form_**.” 

That piece of information was very worrisome to everyone in the room.

“Umm…” Mata Hari was very confused about what was going on.

“Hello, and welcome to Chaldea!” Da Vinci greeted. “I trust our FATE system has passed on the necessary knowledge to you about why you are summoned, correct?”

The famous spy nodded with a smile as she walked towards Da Vinci and her Master. “It has, though I could still use some explanation on some points.”

“Such as?” Roman asked while leaning on the console and giving the Assassin a beautiful smile, unsubtly trying to impress her.

“Well, despite all the knowledge it has given me about our task to save the Pan-Human History, it doesn’t exactly tell me… what that…  _ thing _ is,” the brunette said with uncertainty in her voice, pointing at Gudako.

“Why does everybody keep calling me a ‘thing’!?” Gudako yelled in frustration. “I’m a human being, for fuck’s sake!”

‘Are you really?’ Everyone in the room thought.

“I can explain it to you; we could arrange a private session later,” Roman offered. Both Cu-s gave him a sly, knowing smile, realizing what the Doctor was intending, while the others just rolled their eyes. “But for now, we have to proceed with the summoning.”

With that, Roman flipped a switch to let the power flow in again. The light rotated around the platform once more. After another CE (Craft Essence), another Servant answered Gudao’s call. A beautiful woman with short brown hair materialized, dressed in a grey dress which seemed to hug all the right curves on her body ― especially her large  _ assets _ ― along with a mop hat.

“I’ve come in response to your summon! Assassin, Charlotte Corday! I’ll do my best, but sorry if I make any mistakes!” Before any of them could greet her properly, Gudako tackled Gudao down before grabbing him by his face and stared him in the eyes.

“HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SUMMON A SERVANT FROM THE JP SERVER!? ARE YOU A HACKER!? OR ARE PLAYING CROSS-REGION, YOU DAM-” The orange-haired abomination was suddenly silenced, before sliding down onto the ground with a knife stuck into the back of her head.

“Master!” Charlotte cried as she ran over to check on Gudao. The boy could only blush by the fact his rescuer’s chest bounced with every step. “Are you alright, Master?” She asked with concern in her eyes.

“U-Umm, thank you…” Ritsuka thanked.

“Oh, thank the Lord,” Charlotte cried in relief and pulled her Master’s head into a hug, which gave Gudao a face full of Charlotte’s large bust.

After making sure Ritsuka was okay and Gudako was tied up properly, they proceeded. The following roll consisted of only a mere emblem, but three rings of light materialized on the final roll. 

A boy in a black and white dress with pale green hair and a pair of ram horns, accompanied by a cartoonish-looking sheep on his head, stood on the summoning platform. “H-Hai! Archer, Paris. I’ve been summoned together with my lord! I may be unskilled, but I’ll do my best!”

“Oooo!” Gudao cheered, much to the concern of every first-batch Servant plus Da Vinci, Olga, and Roman. They still remembered Gudao was into… traps, which extended to shōtas ― and Paris, the Prince of Troy, was  _ definitely _ one. The fact he did not react to the previous summonings strongly, which consisted solely of beautiful women, was also worrying to Mash, who feared she might not only have to compete against boobs, but dicks as well — and she didn’t have one… 

_ ‘Unless…’  _

Across the universe, Merlin felt like he was needed somewhere.

“A-Are you my Master?” Paris asked.

“Of course! It’s nice to meet you, Paris-kun,” Gudao said enthusiastically as he walked over to Paris.

“Cu,” EMIYA said to Lancer. “If the Master does anything… unsavory, can I count on you to help?”

“...depends on whether Master Gudako would allow me,” Lan Cu answered while scratching the back of his head.

“Could you two keep in mind that us Ancient Greeks are… different?” Medusa interjected.

“How does it relate to Master liking… shōtas?” EMIYA asked. They then heard a chuckle from Stheno.

“Do you know what _ ‘eromenos’ _ is, Red Archer?” The oldest of the Gorgons asked with a devious smirk on her lips. [1]

“I… do not know… and the fact there is an ‘ero’ in the front does not reassure me in the slightest,” EMIYA admitted, mildly disturbed.

“Oh.” The loli assassin acted surprised. “Well then, I will wait until you are older before telling you, then.”

Before EMIYA could sarcastically rebut her words, his Master walked over and he decided to drop the issue for now. “Alright, guys, please look over Paris-chan for me,” Gudao requested.

“I-I will be in your care; sorry to bother you all,” Paris added while bowing politely, as the sheep on his head bleated “Baaa…”. The two Gorgon sisters narrowed their eyes hatefully at it. The wooly creature looked…  _ familiar _ …

“Of course, Master,” Ushiwakamaru reassured. However, the male Master directed Paris to stand beside D’eon instead, ignoring her acceptance.

“Perfect!” Gudao said, giving a thumbs-up before walking to Da Vinci.

“...for gods’ sake, what am I dealing with here?” Olga quietly sighed at the whole display.

Now, it was time for the real spotlight of the summoning: the Saint Quartz summons.

“Alright, to prevent any more drama…” Da Vinci directed her words at Gudako, who was unflinching. “We will let you go first, Gudako-chan.”

“OOOO!!!” Gudako roared as the rope snapped by her sheer strength at the thought of a mere ten rolls ― on the story banner no less ― and nothing was going to stop her now! After breaking free, she leaped over to the lever and pulled immediately, since the Quartz were already laid on the platform.

The light began to spin and her first roll graced her with… Black Keys. These ‘keys’ were essentially long and slender rapier-like swords with an extremely short hilt which were the primary weapons and tools of the Holy Church. It also made a few Servants recall bad memories they had with a certain priest.

The room suddenly became deadly quiet. Everyone in the chamber could tell something was very wrong. Gudako's trembling form slowly made its way up the platform to get the Black Keys.

No one moved or made a sound, until a beeping sound came from one of the robots. The Black Key flew across the room at high velocity. In a blink of an eye, the robot was torn to scraps by the blades.

“Let us proceed, shall we?” Gudako said, her visage betraying no emotion. Roman just gulped down his dread and let the machine continue.

Four more rolls… and still nothing.

“What the FUCK!?” Gudako raised her volume. “There’s supposed to be a guaranteed four stars Servant or CE for a 10-rolls summon, but I got nothing but crappy shits!”

“N-Now, just be patient, we are just starting.” Da Vinci tried to reassure her, but she knew she couldn’t hold Gudako back when it came down to it. Luckily for them, the next roll gave them something.

A slender and muscular feminine figure, possessing charcoal black skin along with a hood and a skull mask obscuring their face, appeared on the platform. “Now you have commanded over the army of shadows, victory is at hand. You can rest easy now, Master.”

Every other person in the room turned to Gudako to see what she would do next. The female Master just sighed exasperatedly. “Fine, i-it’s Hassan of the Hundred Faces. I will… ugh, I will take it. We have to fight tons of dragons next, so having more Assassins would make it faster,” she said tiredly. 

“I am surprised you can figure out our identity mere moments after our summoning, Master,” the Hundred Faces complimented. “We are one of the Hassans, after all. Still… what are you supposed to be, Master? I have heard of homunculi and animals being Masters of a Servant before, but-”

“Just step off the platform! I am still not finished with the summoning yet,” Gudako ordered. The female Assassin did as she was told and joined the others. She could clearly see it, though: there was something in the atmosphere which made them all silent. Rather than asking what it was, however, she just waited to see it for herself.

A circle of light reappeared. Again, it has three rings and once it subsided, another cloaked figure, this time concealing their entire body, with a skull mask stood on the platform.

“Assassin-class Servant. I heard your call from the shadows,” the figure greeted.

The Servant of Fifth Holy Grail War (EMIYA, Lan Cu, and Medusa) gimmicked as soon they recognized who this was. The blue-haired Lancer still felt his heart aching whenever he thought back to that fight in the swamp.

“Ah, Cursed-Arm, what a coincidence,” the Hundred Faces remarked.

“Hmm? Oh, is that you, Hundred Faces? Hahaha, it’s must be Allah’s will if we are both-”

“U-Um, Assassin-san, can you please move away so we can continue with the summon?” Gudao requested. He was worrying at the increasingly trembling Gudako, whose eyes seemed to be devoid of any emotion.

“Oh, of course,” the Assassin agreed without realizing there was an eldritch time bomb in the room. He walked over to greet his new comrades, though he soon noticed a few familiar faces. They stared at each other for a good few seconds.

“Well… this is awkward,” Lan Cu said.

“Not at all; the ‘me’ you had met in that war was corrupted by the Magus who summoned me. For my previous actions, I sincerely apologize,” Cursed-Arm apologized with a slight bow.

“W-Well, I mean… I tried to kill Archer here,” Cu motioned his head toward EMIYA. “And look how we end up; no hard feelings!” EMIYA rolled his eyes at that, though he gave a smile to humor them. They were now comrades after all — it would be best to get along.

“I am glad to hear that,” Hassan said with a nod.

They quickly turned their attention back to the summoning ritual as a new Servant appeared.

“I am Sasaki Kojirou, an Assassin-class Servant,” a Japanese swordsman with pale blue hair said as he was summoned. At this moment, Lan Cu truly felt a ‘Fifth Holy Grail War Reunion’ might not be far from the truth any longer. “And I have been cal-”

Gudako picked him up and threw him away. “YEET!” She hauled the Assassin in a random direction, and Sasaki ended up crashing into Geronimo. Unfortunately, Class Advantage also applied here.

“ARGH!” Both the Caster and the Assassin grunted. Sasaki went still, likely unconscious, while Geronimo continued to groan in the pain of his existence.

“I swear if I got anything less than four stars for the next roll, I’m gonna fuck some serious shit up!” Gudako shouted. Several of her blood veins thickened in response to her gacha trauma. Mash, Charlotte, Mata Hari, and Ushi were huddling close to Gudao.

Da Vinci quickly signaled for Roman to continue with the summoning, which he quickly did. Fortunately for them, the next summon showed three circles of golden light.

A knightly man with purple armor and hair materialized. “Saber-class Servant, Lancelot, has arrived. It may be just for a moment, but I shall offer my sword to you, Master.”

Mashu suddenly felt her heart leap to her throat for an unknown reason, but she didn’t have to guess to know it had something to do with this knight, the legendary Knight of the Round, Lancelot. In fact, at the mere thought of the Arthurian Legend, an unfamiliar nostalgia washed over her. 

She had no time to dwell on it, however, as Gudako cheered. “Oh, fucking finally, I got someone! And it’s the first tier cucking-knight Saberlot as well!”

“W-Who are you?!” ‘Saberlot’ questioned and pointed his sword at the orange-haired abomination. “Where’s my Master?! And what manner of creature are you?! Kidnapping beautiful women and children,” he pointed and Gudao and Servants who were close to him, who were all women and beautiful boys. “Defeating knights!” ‘Saberlot’ then pointed at the downed Sasaki and Geronimo. “And having abominable minions!” He pointed at the two Hassans. “You must be Sa-”

“Yup, I’m your Master.” Gudako showed the knight her Command Seals, shocking him into silence. “Step off the platform, we are not done yet.”

“B-B-But…” Saberlot looked around. Most people in the room just solemnly nodded for him to do as he was told. Still confused and being pressured by the other Servants, Lancelot walked down from the platform. That was when he spotted Mashu. Guided by instinct, he approached her first. 

“Greetings, young maiden,” Lancelot greeted.

“Hello, sir knight.” Mash was a little surprised at how smooth she was talking to him. She expected herself to be a little nervous, considering this was  _ the  _ Lancelot who was standing in front of her. “I suppose you can use an explanation of Gudako-senpai’s… condition.”

“...so she really is my Master?” Mashu nodded. “I see… in that case, yes, I would very much like to know what had turned her into… such a state.”

“Well, it’s a long story and it would be better if we waited until we finalized the summoning,” Roman informed as he turned his attention back to the console.

The Saber blinked in surprise. “We are not done yet? Surely, the number of Servants present should be sufficient?”

“Nope!” It was Gudako who answered him, startling them. How she could sneak up on multiple Servants at once was still mysterious to all of them. “We are trying to preserve Pan Human History, or Grand Human History, or whatever the fuck you want to call it. We are going to need a  _ fuckton _ of Servants!” Gudako began to laugh at the prospect of her future Servants, while almost entirely forgot the ones in front of her. “Anyways, here is Gudao,” the girl pointed at her male counterpart. “We are cousins and Co-Master of all Chaldea Servants, but since I am the one who summoned you, my Command Seal will be more potent than his.”

“I see,” Lancelot and the other new Servants nodded.

“He is also a much better Master by the way,” Stheno added with a smug smile.

Something in Gudako’s eyes turned  _ very wrong _ . Even Stheno noticed this and her grin was immediately wiped from her face.

“Do you know what my last roll is, Stheno-chan?” Before the loli Assassin could answer, Gudako showed them her last roll, a large plate of Extremely Spicy Mapo Tofu. EMIYA suddenly felt woozy, Cu’s PTSD suddenly kicked in, dozens of Hundred-Face personas began to scream inside her head, and everyone else was thoroughly confused at how she could summon food. “You want some? Consider it a  _ thank you _ for your help in Fuyuki.”

“N-no, I don’t thin-”

“Come one now! Don’t be shy, open your mouth!” Gudako said sweetly, which only made everyone else terrified. Upon seeing no response from Stheno, besides the Assassin’s quivering lips and the uncertainty in her eyes, Gudako lifted her hand up and her Command Seal flared red. “By my Command Seals ― Stheno, stay still and open your mouth.” As soon as the words were said, all three Seals disappeared. A force came upon the eldest of the Gorgon and she was rooted in her seat with her mouth open. “Time for some  **_Extremely. Spicy. Mapo. Tofu~!_ ** ” Gudako slowly advanced.

Most Servants were too scared to get in her way, even Lancelot and EMIYA couldn’t muster up the courage. The only one who dared to step in Gudako’s way was Medusa.

“I won’t let anyone to h-” Faster than a blink of an eye, something was shoved into Medusa’s mouth. The burning sensation immediately spread in the youngest of the Gorgon’s mouth. Upon seeing a small missing portion of mapo tofu on the plate, she realized she had been force-fed by the china spoon in Gudako’s hand. It was like someone poured charcoal onto her tongue. But that wasn’t the worst of it ― it happened  _ after _ she swallowed it. In less than five seconds, she lost consciousness and collapsed down onto the ground.

With that done, the orange-haired abomination skipped over Rider and continued her advance toward Stheno.

“I-I don’t remember it can do that!” Lan Cu remarked, remembering full well what that priest’s favorite food tended to do to the other consumers.

“This Mapo Tofu is fused by magic and misery of gacha rollers. It’s really  _ potent _ ,” Gudako clarified. “Now, then.” She stopped right in front of Stheno. “Here comes~” The Master connected the edge of the plate with the Assassin’s open mouth before positioning it at a 45-degree angle. “The  **AIRPLANE!** ” Gudako began to pour the Mapo down the loli’s throat.

Stheno managed to scream, but it was quickly muffled by a stream of Extremely Spicy Mapo Tofu. Most Servants looked away, while those who were brave enough paled at the sight. Geronimo and Sasaki, who regained his consciousness, lifted their heads from the ground to see what the commotion was about. They quickly laid down again and pretended to be unconscious.

As Gudao looked on in shock, someone tapped on his shoulder. He turned around to see Da Vinci-chan presenting five Summoning Tickets to him.

“Quickly, go and summon more Servants. It should distract her ― and with your turn done, we could finally finish for today. They worked like Quartz, so just lay them on the platform.” Gudao hastily took the tickets and ran toward the platform. Da Vinci, meanwhile, began rubbing her temples as she walked over to the intercom to call a medic to help the two Gorgon sisters.

Gudao quickly laid the golden tickets down and ran back to the lever.

“Just think of what you want in the Servants and pull, Gudao-kun. It might help,” Roman advised, but everyone knew that wasn’t going to work…

* * *

_ You would know…  _

_ I would know…  _

_ Fuck, I wanted Ivan. _

* * *

The boy nodded and thought of the first quality which came up in his mind, and rolled. The machine came alive once more and the light shone from the platform. Roman pushed a few keys on the console to hasten the summoning process — basically a skip button. The platform bathed the room in golden light, much more intense than the previous summons due to the ‘skipping’ function forcing all Servants and CEs to materialized all at once.

As the light faded, five figures stood on the platform.

The first one was a regal, dark-skinned woman with two jackal-like ears on top of her head and lavender hair. She was dressing in a revealing white… swimsuit? Or at least Gudao believed it was one, though with an Egyptian necklace and accessories. “Servant, Caster. Reincarnation of the Sky God Horus, I, Nitocris, have answered your summons.”

The second Servant was a more petite dark-skinned woman with long white hair tied in two braids. She wore a red and white military uniform with a saber holstered from her hip and musket strapped on her back. “I am the Rani of Jhansi, Lakshmibai. This time I have materialized along with the divine protection of a goddess. I'll lend you as much of my strength as you need.”

The third Servant was… yet another dark-skinned woman (they were starting to sense a pattern here) with an athletic body and short unkempt white hair, plus a pair of animal ears (this time horse ears, but who could ever tell that). She donned a black and white bodysuit and holding a red spear. “I'm Lancer. My True Name's Caenis and I'm a Divine Spirit.” After her introduction, she mumbled something Gudako couldn’t make out.

The fourth Servant was, to no one surprise, a dark-skinned woman with long black hair. This one was the most voluptuous of them all, with large breasts, wide hips, glamorous buttocks, and beautiful in every aspect. Her choice of clothing, which consisted of nothing but a blue armor corset and a few veils to hide most of her face and her loin, did nothing but arouse and captivate anyone who had laid eyes on her. “Do you call for me? My name is Scheherazade, if you are willing to listen to my simple wish, I will serve you forever with you as my king.” [2]

The last Servant on the platform was an odd one out. She had a petite body with light blonde hair and dressed in a white and blue dress… you knew who this was. “I ask of you. Are you my Master?”

Lancelot almost bowed an instant he had laid eyes upon his monarch once more. “My King,” he breathed out.

“Artoria…” EMIYA whispered in remembrance and astonishment, and at the same time forgetting the current situation he was in. For that, he was punched in the dick and soon collapsed to the ground.

“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU SUMMON  **_THREE_ ** FOUR STARS AND  **_TWO_ ** FIVE STARS IN THE SAME ROLL?!” Gudako shouted at the top of her lungs. She was surrounded by the two Hassans, two Cus, Lancelot, D’Eon, and Lu Bu. Everyone else was hiding behind Mash’s Shield or was still unconscious, or at least pretending to be in some cases… except for Stheno who looked very much like she was dead. The spicy sauce covered the Assassin’s lips was red as blood, her eyes showed nothing but white as the pupils rolled back into her skull, and her stomach bulged a little as if she was a pregnant loli…

* * *

_ …and I am going to jail for writing that. _

* * *

“N-Now, Master. Just try to calm down,” Lan Cu tried to reason with her. He only received a punch aimed at his groin as well, but luckily, he got Protection from Arrows so he evaded the blow.

“YOU ARE A HACKER! I AM REPORTING!” Gudako screamed and pointed at Gudao. The fact she used the empty tofu plate as a helmet and wielded the china spoon as a weapon made this all the more… terrifying, believe it or not. It’s like going up against a mad god. “BUT BEFORE THAT, I WI-” Gudako was knocked out by a well-placed strike over the back of her neck by Medusa, who had regained her senses.

“That’s… for my… sister,” Medusa said before trying to get up.

The five new Servants could only look on in confusion and shock at the display. Geronimo noticed this and said to them.

“Greetings… Welcome to hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ugh, this took so long Apocrypha was almost over and Lostbelt 5.2 had already lost its effect. 
> 
> Well... anyways... I was tinkering with the idea of having Gudako wake up the Cyphers (might only be some of them) earlier and get them to help with Solomon. I am still considering if I want to do that, though because that’s still a long way away.
> 
> Also… FREE SSR! HOLY SHIT! I can’t wait to get my first Waver in two years…! 
> 
> [1] Eromenos — an Ancient Greek word for an adolescent boy in Ancient Greece who was courted by an older man, or was in an erotic relationship with him. There it is, ladies and gentlemen: the Greek, the world first shōtacons… did you know they arguably invented slavery as well?
> 
> [2] I am not going to hold off from revealing her true name like in-game, because it would take us a long time to get to EoR. I also cut and edit some parts of all introduction dialogue, because, well, some weren’t translated properly or not needed to be stretched out like in the game.


	6. Accursed First Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Fuck, Fate/Requiem collab is here… Fuck, Fate/Requiem collab is here… Fuck, Fate/Requiem collab is here… Fuck, Fate/Requiem collab is here… Fuck, Fate/Requiem collab is here… Fuck, Fate/Requiem collab is here… Fuck, Fate/Requiem collab is here… W-WAIT?! K-KORE WA REQUIEM DA?! 
> 
> Beta by ekaterina016… Beta by ekaterina016… Beta by ekaterina016… Beta by ekaterina016… Beta by ekaterina016…
> 
> Also, I got my first Alter Ego… You know who…
> 
> Gudao, Gudako, Mash, Olga: REEEEEEEEEE!
> 
> ...in all seriousness, though, I am not sure if making Okita Alter coming to this Chaldea earlier is a good idea. It didn’t help that, story-wise, her event happens after Solomon is finished. What do you guys think? I can kind of stretch it for Salieri and Hokusai, but Okita Alter may be over the limit. Maybe after the first Gudaguda event?

“Okay, so let me get this straight,” Artoria began. “Our Master-” 

“Co-Master,” Medusa quickly corrected, unwilling to be associated with this little abomination any more than recognizing her as a Co-Master.

“Right,  _ Co-Master _ … had gone through this so-called ‘Dimension of Salt’, and she was transformed into…” Artoria gestured at Gudako’s petrified stone form, as a result of Medusa taking her revenge. 

“An abomination,” Geronimo added for the King of Knight.

“...right. Now, she refuses to get ‘fixed’ because it grants her a wide array of powers, including the power of Divination ― is that correct?”

“Well, I am assuming it  _ is _ Divination, but I honestly have no idea,” Doctor Roman clarified. “Still, despite her antics, she had proven to be an invaluable ally after our sabotage and during the first mission.”

“That’s true,” Da Vinci agreed. “But sacrificing the peace and quiet of Chaldea for the restoration of the Human Order was more than worth it, I say. Speaking of which, Gudao-kun, can you take the new Servants for a tour around Chaldea, and if possible, find some kind assignments for them to do?” The Caster instructed as it was the only proper thing to do, since the first batch Servants had also received a tour. Just for fairness’s sake

“Eh? Me?” Gudao looked surprised, pointing at himself.

“Eh? Him?” Olga also looked surprised.

“I’m sorry Director, but you need to go back to the infirmary and do a proper check-up. We are still studying your new body… and you also need to rest,” Da Vinci reminded. The white-haired girl pouted but nodded.

“I will go with you, if you don’t mind,” Medusa said. “My sister needs a doctor… and I need to go to the bathroom.” Mapo Tofu, especially the spicy variant, was  _ not _ a kind food for the stomach.

“Right; can you carry Gudako along as well? We need to do a check-up on her as well,” the Caster requested. Medusa sighed but nodded, and walked over to ger her unconscious sister and her petrified Co-Master. “You can start the tour, Gudao-kun; don’t let us keep you.”

“R-Right,” the boy affirmed.

The next moment, everyone found themselves outside of the Summoning Room. With Da Vinci, Olga, Medusa, Stheno, and Gudako leaving for the infirmary, and Roman headed toward to command center since he had a business there, it left Gudao and a few others to do as he was instructed: giving the new Servants a tour.

“Right, umm, we should get started,” Gudao reminded.

“Go on ahead, Master. I promised to help the kitchen staff with their food preservation effort,” EMIYA informed, saying reluctantly while making a subtle glance at Saber, “I will… see you guys later.” He then walked away.

“It’s the same for us,” D’Eon told them. “A few of us promised to help with cleaning debris where normal human strength would not suffice.” One must not forget this guy… girl…  _ trap _ had A-Rank Strength. Lu Bu growled in affirmation; he, too, was tasked with the same oath.

“Alright, we will see you guys later. then,” Gudao bid them goodbye.

That left him with only Geronimo, Ushi, Mash, and Lan Cu. “Don’t worry, Master, we will help you out,” Lan Cu reassured. After a short discussion with Mash of where to visit first, they soon departed and strolled down the hallway of Chaldea. 

“So, how have you kids been since our adventure in Fuyuki?” Caster Cu asked.

“Oh, we are still struggling a little, Cas Cu-san, but-” 

Quickly, Gudao was cut off by the Caster. “Kid, don’t add ‘san’ to that nickname, and please just call us ‘Cu’ when we are not together.” Caster Cu pointed his thumb between him and his Lancer self.

“Right, sorry. Anyways, as you can see, we are still trying to get the base up and running,” Gudao continued.

“Well, I will help with whatever I can,” Cas Cu offered. “Still I have one more question. When you used those tickets to summon, and the doctor told you to think about what you want in the Servants… what were you thinking about?”

“Probably thinking about strength,” Caenis said with a smirk.

“I-I am not strong by any means.” Scheherazade denied.

“Well…” Caenis held her chin while observing the Caster. “Huh, you might not be strong, but you’re certainly easy on the eyes. Most girls here are, actually,” the Lancer remarked with a smirk. The females edged away from her, but one of them wasn’t willing to put up with that. 

“You dare to ogle the divine form of the Pharaoh?! You got some nerve, cur!” Nitocris insulted.

“Hey, don’t blame me on this. I mean, look at your get-up ― it’s like you’re going for a swim or something. It’s hard not to stare… unlike that covered-up shrimp over there,” Caenis motioned her head at Artoria.

“Such insolence! How dare you insult the King?!” Lancelot quickly stepped in to defend his liege.

“Ha! I  _ am _ a king myself! Shouldn’t you treat me with equal respect then, knight?” The Greek taunted. [1]

“You dare to compare yourself to the King of Britain himself!?” Lancelot continued to defend his king, though Artoria remained silent, likely waiting for this to sort itself out.

“King of Britain, huh?” Lakshmibai mused.

“What? Is that, like, important to you or something?” Caenis asked.

“Somewhat. It’s just that… I used to fight the British,” Lakshmibai informed. “But a ‘he’? Your king is clearly a ‘she’,” the Rani of Jhansi pointed out the obvious. 

“It’s complicated,” Artoria said.

“...is it because you have a dick?” Gudao asked without much consideration.

While most Servants turned to Gudao with an extremely shocked and confused look on their face, Geronimo came up behind Sakaki and the two Hassans, who were all at the tail end of the group, and offered them popcorn — he knew this would be fun to watch.

“Master…” Cas Cu began with a mixture of disgust and disappointment on his face. “What _were_ _the qualities in the Servants_ you thought of back when you’re summoning them?” Gudao put on an expressionless visage. “Umm, let me guess… dark-skinned women? No?” Cas Cu asked, trying to ease his Master a little before fully answering — he’s a bro like that regardless of Class.

Even though he’s clearly dangling the bait he was  _ so _ hoping someone else would take to KO this Master of his.

“So… you summoned us based on your preference in your partner?” Lakshmibai questioned, looking extremely disappointed and mildly disgusted.

“...how filthy…” Nitocris added, more visibly disgusted than the Rani. 

“Still… he’s got good taste,” Caenis said, still observing Scheherazade up and down. The Caster began to shield her body from the gaze of Lancer with her staff and hands, futile as it was due to her…  _ sizes _ . “Besides, who wouldn’t want me as their partner? I’m awesome!” The Lancer bragged, then flexed her arms a little.

“By God, she might even be cruder and rougher than Mordred,” Artoria commented quietly, while her loyal knight nodded.

“Umm… You’re Caenis, right?” Mashu asked. “That means you are a guy… a girl… umm… Eh?” 

“Ha! Yeah, I get that a lot.” The Lancer then seemed to check Mash up and down. “Though, if you want to know more, you will have-”

“You have a dick, don’t you?” Gudao asked dryly. 

Now, everyone just narrowed their eyes at him.

“Master…” Cas Cu, as usual, broke the silence, mildly disappointed  _ he _ had to deliver the punchline. “Please tell me you didn’t only think about  _ dicks _ while summoning.” 

That was no reply from his Master. Instead of answering, Gudao walked up to Paris who blinked at him innocently. The male Master shoved the sheep on top of Paris’s head off, before picking up the boy and ran away. “DON’T BLAME ME, MASH! IT’S JUST WHO I AM!”

“SAVE ME! APOLLO-SAMA!” Paris screamed, and the sheep quickly ran after the boy.

“HE’S GOT THE SHOTA!” Lan Cu screamed.

“AFTER THEM!” Mashu screeched and took off. Despite that, only Mash, Ushi, Lan Cu, and Cas Cu ran after him. 

The others just stood there, confused… until Geronimo began to walk after them at his own pace. “Let’s go. We can walk after them, and I will give you guys the tour while we’re catching up to them,” he told them.

“Hold on, Caster,” Artoria called out. “Just… Just what is really going on here? Even Master Gudao acts silly and nonsensical, it’s-”

“Absurd?” ‘Gerry’ cut her off. The King of Knights nodded. The Native American took a handful of popcorn into his mouth before continuing with his mouth full. “Yeah, I think it might have something to do with Gudako, that Co-Master of yours. She seems to be able to bend reality as she wishes ― it might have altered Mash and Master Gudao a little.”

“You called that ‘a little’?” Sasaki questioned.

“Yes,” Geronimo replied dryly and walked off while gesturing for the others to follow. “Come, people, we don’t have all day.” 

Seeing no alternatives, everyone followed the Native American while contemplating their future life here.

* * *

Eventually, all the Servants caught up to their Master in the generator room, where hundreds of machines produced the energy supplying the facilities. There was a large clearing at the entry of the chamber. It was here they met Babbage, and it was the metal Caster who had helped apprehending Gudao. Now, the male Master was unconscious and tied up, while Paris was crying and hugging his sheep like a stuffed toy for comfort.

“Target subdued,” Babbage informed while tightening the rope around Gudao.

“So that… *sniff*… so that’s how Helen felt… *sniff*…” Paris cried while the sheep baa-ed as a reply.

“D-Don’t worry, you are safe now,” Mata Hari comforted the young Archer while pulling him into a hug. Charlotte followed suit and gave the boy a double-hug; gods knew he needed it after that… gods knew he didn’t deserve it after Troy.

“To have a Master like this… what a disgrace,” Nitocris muttered.

“I have had worse,” Artoria commented. “But I digress, since there are more pressing matters to resolve.”

“Pfft, people around here like to use big words, huh?” Caenis scoffed.

Hearing the insult, Lancelot quickly came to the defense of his monarch. “Better than your-”

Artoria put her hand up to stop him. “Look, Lancer.”

“Yea?” Lan Cu, Caenis, and Cas Cu replied at the same time, before looking at each other in confusion.

“Caenis, I mean Caenis,” Artoria corrected. “And why are you replying? You’re not even a Lancer anymore.” The King of Knights directed that at Cas Cu.

“I’m, and will always be, a Lancer even if I am summoned in any other Class,” Cas Cu answered with a single meniscus tear rolling down his cheek.

Saber just sighed. “Back to the topic. Caenis, I’m not looking for a fight. I can guarantee you that.”

“Neither am I,” the Lancer scoffed. “But the way you talk like you’re above most people annoyed the living shit out of me. If you, and all of you high-and-mighty here, tone that down, then I will do the same.”

“Fine,” Artoria agreed. “I-”

“I refuse!” Nicrotis yelled. “It’s unbecoming of Pharaoh to-”

“Ugh, you're even worse than this ru- I mean  _ Saber _ . See, I can be civilized!” Caenis argued.

“You dare to interrupt the Pharaoh?!”

“And why the fuck should I give a shit about that!?”

The two quickly got into a small fight, while Artoria, Lancelot, and the two Cu tried to stop them. Paris was now looking rather comfortable between Mata Hari’s and Charlotte’s bosoms. Mash looked like she was going crazy and kept muttering repeatedly ‘How am I supposed to get a dick?’. Babbage just continued to improve the Master’s restraint, musing ‘I wonder if I can make a rope out of steam.’

The rest just stood and watched all of this from afar like they were on crazy pills. Well, except Scheherazade, who had retreated into a corner and began fearing what her new life would be with colleagues like these.

Hassan of the Cursed Arm stepped forward. “We should interv-”

“Let me handle this,” Geronimo spoke up. “Can I borrow your rifle?” He asked Lakshmibai. The Indian Saber raised an eyebrow, but nodded and tossed him her firearm. “Right, I will be back. Ushi, my friend, can you please go make sure Scheherazade-san is alright?” 

“It shall be done,” the Rider replied and walked over to comfort the buxom Caster.

Geronimo walked over to the arguing group, loading the bolt-action rifle as he approached them. Finally, upon reaching his destination, he aimed the weapon at Caenis’s foot… and shot.

“FUCK?!” The Lancer screamed before falling down and clinging to her foot.

Nicotris laughed. “Serve you right, yo-” Then Geronimo shot Nitocris in the foot. “AGHH!” The female Pharaoh screamed and fell down, grabbing her feet as well. 

There was a momentary silence… then he shot Arotoria and Lancelot in the foot as well. The King of Knight grunted in pain but still stood ― Lancelot, on the other hand, just fell down onto his back and screamed.

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!” Lan Cu yelled at the Caster.

“...misery loves company…”

Both Cu just sighed exasperatedly, but Lan Cu took a deep breath and said to Geronimo. “You know what, Gerry ― c-can I call you ‘Gerry’?”

“Sure… it’s not like anybody here respects me anyways…”

“ _ I _ respect you,” Cas Cu quickly countered, helping his younger self.

“Right! Um… Geronimo, how about you just take a day off? We will give them a proper tour, don’t you worry,” Lan Cu promised.

“...sure.” With that, the native American turned around, gave the rifle back to Lakshmibai, and left.

“Alright, one down. Now, um… Mash-chan,” Lan Cu called to the eternal kouhai and broke her out her chanting trance ‘How do I get a dick?’. “How about you take Master Gudao to his room and let him rest? It’s… damn, it’s actually 4 P.M. Ahem! Anyway, why don’t we let him rest? He might act strange now because he’s just tired from summoning, that’s all.”

Mash took a deep breath and her mind became clearer. “Y-You’re probably right, Lan Cu-san.”

“I said don’t call me-”

“He’s probably just tired from mana exhaustion… Hehe… There’s no way senpai is into dicks…” They felt like Mash was a little broken on the inside. “Don’t worry, he just needs some rest, that’s all.” She picked up her tied-up senpai with ease and walked toward the exit. “Yes, he just needs a rest, a goodnight sleep, and a cuddle.” At this point, everyone was creeped out by her. It sounded as if she was trying to convince herself her precious senpai wasn’t a degenerate trap and shota lover. “All I need to do is get a tan. Yes, bronze or brown…” She kept on muttering darkly even as she left the room. 

Lan Cu looked around. The commotion drew the attention of the engineers in the chamber, but they quickly got back to work upon seeing the issue resolved. Babbage was applying a healing spray of some sort to the four injured Heroic Spirit. The Lancer asked, “You people alright?”

“No, not alright in the slightest,” Lancelot replied.

“Ugh, I hate this place,” Nitocris complained.

“That shithead Caster… just wait till I got my hand on him,” Caenis sneered.

“...can we just finish the tour?” Artoria tried to steer back to previous, saner, course of action.

“Sure, but do any of you need help walking around?” Cas Cu asked.

“Indeed,” Babbage agreed. “My Healing Steam ― copyrighted, by the way ― needs a little while before taking its full effect. It would be best if someone supports you for a while.”

“I can help with that.” Hassan of the Hundred Faces offered and stepped forward. Four figures slowly faded into existence behind the Assassin. They looked similar to the two Hassan, but with minor differences here and there, such as the sex. The male ones resembled Cursed-Arm, while the female ones more like Hundred-Faces’ female avatar; only the mask remained the same. “My personas can carry you all as we tour the facility.”

“I will accept,” Artoria replied. “Seeing I am not in a condition to-” She was cut off by Caenis who cleared her throat. “...yes, please support me… my foot is still hurt…”

“Guess you can keep your promise ― unlike some… bitchy Pharaoh.” Nicotris only cursed back in her native tongue, too much in pain to yell. “Anyways, sure, I could use some help getting around.”

“I thank you for the offer, but I have my own method,” Nicotris declined. A golden staff materialized in her hand. She stabbed the end of the staff a few times before a portal opened. Several short creatures marched stiffly out of the portal, wearing a white cloak, and their only noticeable features were their eyes which looked more like an Ancient Egyptian hieroglyph.

“I’m sorry to trouble you, my esteemed Medjeds, but I am recuperating from a wound in the foot and would very much appreciate assistance in touring my new abode. Would you mind transporting me around this facility for a little while?” The Medjeds nodded, ignoring Caenis’s audible groan. They quickly arranged their formation into something akin to a mobile pedestal. Nicotris carefully laid herself down on the bed made from the Medjeds, momentarily observing the others and couldn’t help but put on a smug grin upon seeing the Hassan personas help supporting the limping Caenis toward the exit.

“Right, let’s just get this tour over with,” Lan Cu said, before leading them on.

* * *

“Oh, by Lugh! Finally, that was over!” Lan Cu breathed a sigh of relief and exhaustion as he sat at one of the cafeteria tables along with his group tour.

“You did a wonderful job, me,” Cas Cu complimented.

“Thank you, me,” Lan Cu replied with a satisfying smile.

‘Great, now there's two of them.’ Artoria thought, believing Lancer couldn’t get any more annoying after the Fuyuki’s War.

“Here, just take this and stuff it into your mouth,” a new voice called. They all turned toward the source and discovered it to be none other than EMIYA, complete with white apron and towel bandana.

“What’s with the getup? You look like a Ramen shop cook!” Lan Cu laughed.

“Yeah, yeah.” The Archer ignored the Lancer and laid something down on the dinner table: a plate full of panini-style sandwiches. “Eat up, people. We are using as much bread as we can before they expire.”

The alluring smell of the panini kicked all of them in the nose and made all the Servants present salivate.

“Well… if you insist.” Cas Cu reached for one of the sandwiches, but another hand was quicker than his. 

Artoria would do  _ anything _ to taste Shirou’s cooking again. She reached for the first sandwich and took a large bite out of it. As she slowly chewed, savoring the taste, her visage began to soften and her lips curled up into a soft smile; now, there seemed to be a pink flowery aura emitting from her.

After witnessing the power of EMIYA’s cooking, everyone immediately reached for their own piece of the flour-based goodness. It was a basic ham, cheese, and lettuce panini, grilled to a crisp with dark lines adorning its surface. Everyone took a bite, and the flavor exploded in their mouth. 

No praise was made, no argument in the air, no words were spoken, only the sound of vigorous chewing ― and to EMIYA, that was what he wanted to hear.

It was at this moment the Red Archer believed being here with two strange Masters might not be so bad… 

He was wrong, of course, but for now, he enjoyed the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Might be a while before I post the next chapter. First, I’m gonna’ go farm Free Quest quartz and play EoR to increase my Skadi and Summer fund. Then, I also have another story I have to write. See you guys later.
> 
> [1] This is a line in FGO, but I can’t find anything outside of Nasuverse after Googling.


	7. Make It Rain QP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Didn’t get Skadi, but honestly not bothered by it that much. My roster is so geared toward Art and Buster that Skadi wouldn’t be as valuable to me. My GSSR, on the other hand, bothers me a lot, come on Ivan get over here already! 
> 
> Yes, Iskandar isn’t bad by any extent, maybe he comes so he can chill with his bara bro Napoleon. Yes, I also have Napoleon (his banner) and Artemis/Orion now (while rolling Skadi). Also, funnily enough, Nitocris come to my Chaldea, so maybe this fic might work as a catalyst… we might see Tamamo, Castoria, Waver, and Merlin earlier in this story… 
> 
> I am getting ever closer to fulfill my dream now… a dream of having Five-Stars Servants in every of my support slots! Only three left! Lancer, Assassin, and Caster! Pray for me!
> 
> Beta by ekaterina016

It was quiet in the infirmary of Chaldea. Then again, it was two in the morning. 

In the stillness of the night, one person had yet to sleep. 

In her room, Olga could only stare at the grey ceiling. Many things were going through her mind. Humanity had ended and they were its last hope, Lev had betrayed them and sabotaged the facility resulting in the death of so many people she knew personally… and then there was her body. 

She held her hand up and looked at it. This was the body of a homunculus which was hastily modified to allow her soul to possess it. She sighed with a heavy heart. While commanding Chaldea and getting it back in shape was a straightforward task, she was more worried about herself. She was now a homunculus. How long did she had to live? Were there any side effects to her mind and memory? 

Was she still Olga Marie Animusphere? Or just… a duplicate made to take that poor girl’s place?

She just didn’t know. She just couldn’t do anything. She was just… usel-

“Hello, Director,” a familiar voice greeted. Olga quickly turned her head to her left and discovered Gudako was now laying down beside her, with that terrifying dead-fish eyes wide open.

The white-haired girl screeched and jumped out of her bed. “W-What are you doing here!? Weren’t you petrified by Medusa?!”

“Oh, that?” Gudako said, getting up. “I broke free to watch the fifth-anniversary stream and the new FGO opening theme just make me want to groove out.” The short abomination swung her hip from side-to-side. “Ahh, Sakamoto-san is truly a magnificent singer.”

“Umm…” As usual, Olga didn’t know how to respond to whatever came out of Gudako’s mouth.

“By the way, Director, how are you adjusting to your new body? It’s not too…  _ tight,  _ is it?” Gudako asked as a creepy smile formed on her face, and her fingers began to wiggle with lewding intent. “I can adjust your body a bit more if you want.”

“N-No thanks!” Olga firmly declined

“I see. Well, would you mind testing it out in the Summoning Chamber later? I want to see how well it suits you,” Gudako requested.

“Wait, why the Summoning Chamber? What can I test there?” Olga asked back, curious.

“Test to see if your new body will be enough for you to become a proper Master,” Gudako explained.

Olga’s eyes slowly widened. “You… You’re saying I can become a Master?” Olga was speechless at possibility. For her entire life, the fact she had zero aptitude for being a Master had been a mark of shame for her and her family. Now it was possible to rectify that?

“Duh, you got a new body now. Do you know how hard it is to transfer your entire Magic Circuit and modify the homunculus body to fit to become a Master? If I didn’t read so many Illya’s doujins, I wouldn’t have the necessary knowledge regarding homunculus autonomy to make this work. A shame I couldn’t turn you into a loli—it would have been funnier seeing Mashu calling a loli ‘Senpai!’... and it would be more…” Gudako audibly swallowed a lump of saliva. “…lewd.” The orange-haired abomination began hugging and rubbing herself. “OLGA!!! LOLI OLGA!!! KAWAII-NEE!! OH!!! LOLI OLGA KAWAII! OHH!! KAWAII!! LOLI DA! LOLI RIGHT IN MY HAND!!! OHH!! LOLI OLGA!!”

At this point, the Director just scuttled to the point she had her back against the wall furthest from Gudako. She was shaken a little at the possibility of what her savior/harasser would do to her. 

A door hissed open, interrupting Gudako’s rumbling about ‘lolis’. Stepping into the room was none other than Medusa, who had taken off her eye cover in exchange for a pair of glasses.

“Oh, so you’re alive, Master… How disappointing,” Medusa scoffed upon seeing who had made a commotion which could be heard through the entire infirmary. 

“Ah, Medusa, just who I wanted to see!” Gudako took a break from her degenerate rumbling about ‘lolis’ to talk with her Servant. “Come with me.”

The Rider was hesitant to ask, but she mustered up the courage and spoke. “Why?”

“Well, I might have gone too heavy on enchanting the CE, and now I am nearly out of QP,” Gudako explained.

“...what are those?”

“Was that the shoe meme, or are you asking what are ‘QP’ and ‘CE’?”

Medusa hung her head low, before letting out a long aggravating sigh. “What are ‘QP’ and ‘CE’?”

“Well, ‘CE’ is just a short way to call Craft Essence, and ‘QP’ is Quantum Piece. Just consider it currency to do… everything really.”

“And what is ‘Quantum Piece’?”

“No idea, the dev never explained.” Gudako shrugged. “Now, you see, there are several ways to get QP, but there are two best methods.” The short girl began advancing toward Rider. Medusa backed away, only to discover the door had somehow been closed and barred her only escape. “First is Raid, but those are for special occasions only. Second…” Gudako’s two round hand grabbed Medusa by her shoulders, “…is by farming Doors, and they just happened to be Casters, so guess who is best for the job?” 

At this point, Medusa was trying to pry herself away, but she had no hope.

One of Gudako’s hands let go of Rider’s shoulder and reached into her skirt’s pocket. The hand searched for a while and then came out, holding a large chunk of golden Wisdom, jars of Void Dust, several Rider Pieces, and a few Serpent Jewel.

“OPEN WIDE!” Gudako ordered.

Olga could only look on as the horror unfolded.

“W-Wait Master, that’s not how you-UMHASPMASDJNOP”

Olga was wrong. She couldn’t even bear to look at what was transpiring.

* * *

Lancelot walked through the empty and dimly-lit corridor of Chaldea. His steel boots produced a clanking noise with each step. While he was not assigned any official duty yet, his habit made him go on a patrol around the facility as he did back in Camelot.

The Knight of the Round couldn’t help but sigh at his circumstance, mainly regarding his Master. Everything about her was just  _ wrong _ . Even if it was to save humanity, the Knight couldn’t help but wonder if the price his Master had paid was worth it. Was forsaking your humanity necessary to save humanity itself?

“Hey.” A voice suddenly called from behind him. Lancelot turned around and was met with two giant hands grabbing his head… and everything went dark.

* * *

Cu (Lancer) was having a sweet dream. 

What was he dreaming about? He was standing above Queen Mebd, a piece of cheese in one hand and a cheese grater in the other. He began grating the cheese down on the sulking Mebd’s head. He was also wearing sunglasses and biting his lower lips.

“Hehe, cheese go brr…”

Cu chuckled in his sleep. At this point, EMIYA had already left—annoyed by Lancer’s loud snorting and laughing. Then, a shadow fell over the Irish Servant’s face. As a seasoned warrior, his body quickly responds to the change in light and quickly opened his eyes.

He did not even have time to scream when a pair of hands grabbed him… and everything went dark.

* * *

Lu Bu was sleeping. Nothing could wake him up. He was dreaming Chen Gong turned him into an arrow and shot him into the sky. When he hit the enemies (a bunch of golden hands), he exploded and died, but that couldn’t have happened… right?

Even as he was dragged out of his bed, he didn’t wake up from his weird dream.

* * *

Geronimo was sitting on the floor, doing nothing, and contemplating his existence. He felt like he was just stabbed in the chest, even though he didn’t get into any fight.

* * *

_ Probably because Phantom of the Opera got a buff on JP, which now made Gerry the worst Servant in the game. Angra Mainyu is worse, but he was designed so as a joke, while Caster Gilles got his niche—that wasn’t the case for Gerry. [1] _

_ Alas, poor Gerry. _

* * *

“Alas, poor Gerry,” Gudako lamented as she walked up to Geronimo. The Caster glanced up at her and discovered the girls were dragging with her four other Servants: Medusa, Lancelot, Lan Cu, and Lu Bu. Lancelot and Cu Chulainn were struggling, bound in rope, while Lu Bu and Medusa who were still sleeping…. no, wait, Medusa was  _ unconscious _ – there were differences! “Come with me, Gerry, we’re going to farm.”

Knowing better than to offer resistance in any form, Geronimo got up and nodded. They began walking away. “Where are we going?”

“The Rayshifting Chamber. We are going to farm Doors.”

* * *

As soon as Medusa regained her consciousness, she quickly jumped to her feet and materialized her weapons. She scouted her parameter and discovered her fellow Servants; Geronimo, Cu Lancer, Lu Bu, and Lancelot.

“Where are we? And where is Master Gudako?” The youngest of the Gorgon asked.

Cu Lancer, sitting on the ground and looking bored, shrugged. “She said we are in ‘Temple of Doors’ and we are here to farm ‘Doors’. Master said she will go find some,” Lancer explained.

Lu Bu snorted loudly as if in response. 

Medusa observed her new surroundings. They appeared to be in a giant golden chamber with a golden arch leading into identical chambers, beyond which seemed to go on infinitely. Her eyes suddenly picked up something on the horizon. It was blurry, but the small orange dot made it pretty obvious who it was.

“Guys! Get over here! I found some Golden Doors!” Gudako shouted as she ran up to them.

All of them just sighed. “Let's just get this over with, I want to go back to sleep,” Cu said.

“...but we don’t  _ need _ sleep…” Geronimo pointed out.

“Please just focus on the task,” Lancelot reminded, as he went to grab Lu Bu and dragged the Berserker along with them, hoping this process will wake him up… though it soon became clear it didn’t work.

“So what do you want us to do here, Master?” Cu asked.

“See those Doors over there?” Gudako pointed at beyond the next arch. Indeed, there seemed to be… three golden ornate doors just… standing there. “Go kill them and then open them.” All four of them just exchanged confused looks. “Dusa, you take the lead. They are Casters, so they are weaker against you. Lancelot and Cu, you guys go and help her kill them. Gerry stays back as a support. I will wake Lu Bu up if we need help. Got all of that? No? Too bad! Go and get me those QP!”

All four just sighed and strolled toward their targets. As far as they could see, the Doors were inanimate objects, so why were they needed here for a task as simple as opening doors? 

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Gudako halted them. She pulled out a CE, this one had a picture of an old man in the black void and some strange device. “This is Kaleidoscope, probably one of the only other good shit I got from my roll beside Lancelot. Here,” the girl just shoved the CE into Medusa’s midriff. It magically fused with Rider and she could immediately feel the surge of power. “You should be able to use your Noble Phantasm almost immediately with that; just go hit the Doors a few times. Make it count though. After the first one NP, your meter will go back to zero.” With that done, the female Master of Chaldea walked away.

“So… how about you just use your Noble Phantasm and get this over with?” Cu Chulainn asked Rider.

“Where is your honor as a gentleman?” Lancelot chastised the blue Lancer. “Letting a lady do the work for us? I don’t think so.” The cucked knight stepped forth, passing the arch frame. “I shall-” 

He didn’t get to finish the sentence as a bolt of magical energy hit him straight in the face. 

The Doors began to bombard the Knight of the Round Table with bolts after bolts of magical energy. One of the Doors opened up to let a minigun out, and soon it barrages Lancelot with more bolts. At this point, the Knight of the Round was on the ground, spasming and screaming.

“Forgot to mention! Those Doors are at max levels! They out-level everyone except Dusa!” Gudako shouted from afar.

“We better do something,” Cu urged.

“We should distract them. I will take the left and you will take the right. Geronimo, get Saber out of there as soon as you get the chance!” Medusa commanded.

“Understood,” Caster affirmed.

The two Servants sprang into action, crossing the arch frame. Two of the Doors shifted their focus toward them. Both were agile enough to dodge all the attacks, or in Cu’s case let them hit him without consequence, but they had to end this before the Door still focusing on Lancelot killed him.

Medusa threw her chained daggers at the Doors. Her attack bounced off the hard surface, but still managed to do some solid damage. Then she felt it: another surge of energy within her. What was that?

**“You just attacked with an Arts card. Now your NP gauge is at 100%! Unleash your Noble Phantasm, Dusa!”** The voice of Master Gudako boomed, but she was nowhere to be found. Remembering the same thing happened in Fuyuki, Medusa decided to ignore the voice and did as she was advised.

Magic Circles appeared in front of the Gorgon. Within a few seconds, a brilliant light shone from it. Once it subsided, Medusa was on her steed, a Pegasus. Now, all the Doors shifted their focus toward the new flying enemy.

After seeing Cu clearing out and Geronimo dragging Lancelot to safety, Medusa knew it was the moment to strike. She channeled her Mana into her weapons and her Pegasus, before charging toward the Doors. Even as her enemies continued to intercept her, it was futile.

**“Bellerophon!”**

Medusa and her Pegasus speared through the Doors, leaving a trail of teal-colored energy behind them. She slowed down her steed as the trail began dispensing. Now, there were only three collapsed Doors on the floor.

Seeing her task was done, the Gorgon breathed a sigh of relief and guided her Pegasus toward her fellow Servants. “How is he holding up?” The lavender-haired woman asked, concerning about Lancelot.

“Ugh…” Sabelot groaned as a reply.

“He’s holding up, but he needs medical attention,” Geronimo answered.

“...or a heal,” Cu added.

“Got it,” Gudako suddenly appeared beside them. She used her Mystic Code to heal the Knight of the Round.

Lancelot took a sharp inhale as he sat up. “Oh, God, this is even worse than that time in Franch!”

Gudako ignored him as she walked over to the Doors. Her Servants observed her as she went. The short abomination opened one of them and saw the door filled to the brim with a small blue crystal. “OH!! QP!! SMALL AND BEAUTIFUL QP!” The orange-haired girl held the door over her head and let the QP rained down on her. She savored the moment until the QP ran out. Ritsuka looked at the QP on the ground before turning to her Servants.

“Does that thing have any experience in hauling?” She was pointing at Medusa’s Pegasus. “We still have a lot more Doors to farm.”

Everyone knew this was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Short chapter, but I have my reason. You see, I will be holding off on doing this story for a little while (not going into hiatus, next update will just be a while away). I want to get another story which has become a white-whale for me since it’s stuck on the same arc for nearly a year now; I need to get that out of the way.
> 
> Also, holy shit, I finished this chapter right after the 5th Anniversary stream.
> 
> [1] I felt like genuinely leveling up my Geronimo because of his status as two competing for the title of worst Servant in the game who isn’t Angra, especially after Phantom got buff on JP. If you, however, can prove me wrong Caster Giles is worse than Gerry then go ahead.


	8. Breakfast of Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, I have been absent for soooo long that half the jokes I have prepared were already outdated and so many memes on JP were killed. On a side note, I made progress on filling all slots in my support with SSR — specifically on the Caster slot.
> 
> I now have a shared Discord server here: /25BTet3, or as url https://discord.gg/25BTet3. 
> 
> Most people there follow My Hero Academia fandom, but it’s a writer group first and fandom second. Just please be aware that beside my fic, the general knowledge about Nasuverse will be a bit lacking in the server; Hell, even I am not an expert.
> 
> Beta by ekaterina016

It was an early morning in Chaldea, but the facility had already seen activities — mainly in the cafeteria.

“Order Five is up!” Emiya called and a staff came forward to receive his bowl of congee.

It was a fairly busy already, with everyone in a hurry to finish their breakfast and got to work. They were now working around the clock to maintain the facility. The presence of Heroic Spirits did help with the overall situation, but everyone still had to pull their weight, given the lack of replenishment for human resources around the world. 

The door to the cafeteria opened, but instead of a footstep echoing in the chamber, it was the sound of hooves clopping. Every pair of eyes which turned to see it were shocked by the sight — EMIYA had to double face-palm himself.

Gudako and Medusa rode on a pegasus (EMIYA assumed this was Bellerophon, Medusa’s Noble Phantasm), with two large sacks hanging on its sides. They seemed to be so heavy it was struggling to move along. Behind them were three unconscious Servants: Lu Bu, Lancelot, and Lan Cu, dragged on by the ropes tied around their feet and the pegasus’s tail. 

“We’re here!” Gudako cheered, getting off her steed along with Medusa. Now that it had reached its destination, Bellerophon finally gave in to its exhaustion and crumpled down on the floor, breathing heavily. Rider knelt down to tend to it. 

The Co-Master of Chaldea, meanwhile, took one of the bags and marched up toward the cafeteria’s counter. Every staff made way for her, making sure not to stay in the path of the infamous Master.

“What if she saw us?” Kojirou asked some of his fellow Servants who were sitting at one of the tables, among them Scheherazade and the two Hassans.

“What’s the worst she could do?” Hundred Faces asked. She only received silence as her reply.

“We’re seriously going to have a talk about your habit to keep tempting fate, Hundred Faces,” Cursed Arm reprimanded his fellow Hassan.

“Wait, I got it!” Kojirou suddenly realized. “We have Presence Concealment,” the Assassin pointed out.

“B-But I don’t have that skill,” Scheherazade argued. The others looked at her then at their cheery master who, as a reminder, could wrestle with a Servant, win, and pull off ridiculous feasts. They offered her one final sympathetic look, before simply disappearing into the thin air — activating their Presence Concealment.

“Ekkkkk! D-Don’t leave me!” The Caster whimpered meekly. Twisting her head around this way and that to find any way out of this situation, Scheherazade decided to hide under the table and hoped the abomination would leave her alone. 

Luckily for her, the greedy Master couldn’t care less about a Caster with mismatched and underwhelming kits – she’s targeting someone more usable. “Morning, EMIYA!” Gudako greeted.

The Red Archer sighed. “Morning, Master. From what I garnered, you have been busy the whole night, correct?”

“If this isn’t you, I would assume you are trying to make a dirty joke,” Gudako replied with a sly grin. “But, yes, I have been busy farming QP since last night, which is why I am here. Now that I have the resources, it’s time to raise some Servants’ level.” She slammed the sack onto the counter. “Made something out of these and fed them to… hmm… Artoria, Lu Bu, and all of the Assassins, would you? Gonna need them up to shape for the future fight – oh, and cook yourself a little something with the leftover as well.” With that done, the Master turned around, leaving.

EMIYA grabbed the mouth of the sack and pulled them open. He gasped. Wisdom pieces, shiny, glittered, 40-AP-to-farm, and golden Wisdoms.

“Oh, and one more thing,” Gudako spoke up and glanced back at EMIYA. “Tell them to stay after the meal; we have some Ascensioning to do!” 

With that, the Master left for good, leaving the hall in silence. Once she was gone, EMIYA looked at the sack one more time. He contemplated not cooking with these, but knowing his Master, he would be ordered to do so with Command Seal anyways. So, with another heavy sigh, he mumbled, “I can make this work.”

“I hope so,” Sakaki said when he and the two Hassan finally lowered their Presence Concealment. “I will be eating that, not you.”

“And why does Master tell you to specifically cook these for Assassin class?” Hassan of the Hundred Face asked.

None of them could have imagined the copious among of dragons they would be slaying.

* * *

Gudao opened his eyes and returned to the waking world. Yesterday was… a little strange. Now he had a sudden urge to consume Monster energy drink — though somehow, he felt like yesterday’s event was not related to this.

The young Master tried to get up, but found firm arms locking him in a hug. He tried to wiggle out of this hold, but instead ended up waking his holder.

“Good morning, Senpai,” Mash quickly greeted with a smile, though her usual gentle grin seemed to hold some… malice behind them.

“Umm… Morning, Mash,” Gudao tried to play this off. Then, now that his mind was more awake, he had fully remembered what had transpired yesterday. He also recalled how distressed Mash actually was. “Mash… about yesterday. Look, I know I was a bit… out of hands.”

“That’s fine, Senpai,” Mash reassured with a brighter, ‘purer’ smile. Gudao stared at it, remarking how even in the dark her smile shone bright (not literally, mind you) — it almost looked too naive for its own good. So, with a heavy heart and a deep sigh, the Master of Chaldea knew what he had to do.

“Mash, look… I am not gonna lie to you, but I… do find feminine men… attractive.” Gudao kept in mind sometimes wording can change the tone of the message entirely. He could have said ‘I’m actually into traps’ and it would have the same meaning, but it would have been rude, crude, and harsh toward Mash.

“Oh,” Mash exclaimed, looking both surprised and sad.

“With that said, that doesn’t mean I am not into women. I just… have an open-mind,” Gudao reassured.

“I-I see…” Kyrielight looked visibly more relieved.  _ ‘Senpai is truly amazing. Manage to keep to be so open-minded when it comes to… companionship… That also meant I still have a chance!’ _ Mash’s chest puffed up slightly, feeling much better than yesterday – though even Mash questioned a little why she was so… depressed after Gudao had gone a little… eager about shota. Perhaps Gudako-senpai had truly affected them in a way beyond their understanding.

Mash suddenly jumped. She felt like something caressed her backside.

The purple-haired girl immediately lifted the blanket. Gudako’s multiple arms stopped caressing over Mash’s body and waved at them, “Morning, guys.”

* * *

Paris was walking in the hallway with Apollo on top of his head. 

A scream suddenly came from his Master’s room, one belonged to Mash and the other to his Master.

Most Servants would immediately surge forward to protect their Master, but after yesterday's event…

Paris ignored the following cry for help and kept walking, the sheep Apollo bleating in approval.

* * *

“...Archer… is this some kind of elaborate joke?” Artoria asked, as she looked at the meal in front of her. Her breakfast was worthy of a king, that’s for sure, but to even consider it ‘food’ would be an insult. Everything,  _ everything _ on the table – ranging from the ‘sandwich’ to ‘fried egg’ to ‘bacon’ and so on… were all made out of Wisdom. How? Most likely Magecraft mixed with Master Gudako’s usual shenanigans, and EMIYA’s cooking skill as well.

The table she was sitting in was tucked into the corner of the cafeteria as to not disturb the staff – not that there were many staff left to disturb since it was already closer to noon. The Assassins alongside Lu Bu were also seated at the table, though in contrast eating the food made of Wisdom without a problem, unlike Saber.

“I am actually impressed by your craftsmanship, Red Archer,” Hundred Face complimented while using her spoon to scoop up some hummus (made of Wisdom as well) before smearing the nutty goodness onto a thin pita bread (also made of Wisdom).

“Mmm, this really tastes like a weird yogurt,” Mata Hari commented after she swallowed a spoonful of an accurate imitation of the daily product – in term of texture at least. The taste was a weird mixture of moderate sweetness, a good kind of sourness, cinnamon-like spiciness, and… saltiness – more specifically, salty like tears.

“Even then…” Artoria tried to argue, but trailed off. She just wanted to taste normal Shiro’s cooking!

EMIYA sighed. “Look, I tried my best when Master Gudako ordered me to feed you these, but this is the best I can come up with.”

“I would say you did a splendid job,” Sakaki reassured him, biting an almost perfect imitation of a grilled saba made out of Wisdom.

“Can’t we just eat in peace?” Stheno suddenly spoke up. “I need a quiet breakfast today.” The bag under her eyes and her choice of food – bland congee (still made of Wisdom) – told them all about her current condition, especially after what she went through yesterday.

At her request, all conversation stopped, and the only audible sound was the noise from eating. Artoria just gave up and ate the food. It wasn’t bad, but it was nowhere near the quality of Shiro’s food with actual ingredients. 

…why the Hell was she keep referring to EMIYA as ‘Shiro’? She knew they were the same person just from a different timeline, but she seemed to just keep thinking he was Shiro. 

Suddenly, someone kicked down the cafeteria’s door. Everyone knew there was only one person who would do that. Gudako wasted no time marching up to the table the Servant was dining at.

“We all know what to do,” Sasaki reminded them. Soon, all the Assassins disappeared into thin air, leaving only Lu Bu, who was unconcerned and kept on eating, and Artoria, who was confused at first but soon remembered they had Presence Concealment. 

“Ugh, those Assassins…!” Artoria cursed.

“Don’t worry, I am still here…” Despite saying that, EMIYA activated his Evade skill. 

“Seibah!” Gudako greeted and slammed her hands onto the table as she arrived.

“...Yes, Master?” The King of England replied, despite the botched pronunciation of her class name.

“Are you Level 50 yet?”

“Uhhh…” She wasn’t sure how to reply to that. 

“Never mind; let me check.” Gudako grabbed Saber by her face and pulled her forward, before gazing deep into the king’s eyes.

Artoria wasn’t sure what her co-Master was looking at, but all Saber could see were those light-less, soul-less empty orange eyes. It made her shiver.

“Right, you’re Level 50 now.” Gudako let go of Saber’s head before turning to EMIYA. “My compliments to the chef,” she praised with a thumbs-up. The Archer merely nodded. “Right; time to Ascend you, then!” The master pulled out several Saber pieces and dragon teeth, before handing them to Saber. As with Cu before, she channeled her Prana, and light shone from the King of England. Once it subsides, Saber was in her new form, not dissimilar to her previous one but with more armor covering her.

“Ah! The iconic form! Now,  _ this _ is the Saber who is the face of the Fate franchise!” Gudako cheered.

“Umm, thank you, Master,” Saber feigned gratitude. In reality, she didn’t really understand what was going on, though she certainly felt more powerful.

“Don’t mention it,” Gudako replied. “Alright guys, drop your Concealment, this is all we will be doing today.”

With their worry dismissed, the Assassin Servants revealed themselves. Gudako did not waste any time and began their respective Ascensions. By the end of it, all the Assassins were in their second form.

“Alrighty! We are ready for Orleans!”

“Orleans?” Charlotte repeated. “As in  Orleans, France?”

“Yes, that’s where the next Singularity is,” Gudako confirmed.

“If I remember correctly…” Stheno spoke up. “You said Assassin is strong against Rider, correct? So, does that mean our enemies will be Rider?”

“Yeah, lots of shitty Rider mobs with some Saber bosses, some Assassin bosses… some Berserkers… and… a Ruler…” Gudako trailed off. Before long, the Master began to panic, “Oh, gods, I forget how lacking my Servant roster is. No AOE Lancer, no Riders, no usable Casters, and not a single Archer! I can’t keep relying on borrowing Gudao-chan Servants! And even if I do, his roster is weak with tons of under-leveled Servants! What do I do?!”

As if to present her with a solution to her problem, three of Gudao’s Servants walked in.

“Why don’t you go back to that empty desert of yours, huh?!” Caenis yelled.

“Oh, the ‘desert’ is much more preferable than here in  _ your _ company!” Nitocris raged back.

“Can’t you two just stop fighting!?” At this point, even Lakshmibai was at the end of her patience for these two.

Gudako watched as the three came into the cafeteria, ignorant of the Servants’ gathering and of the new plan forming in Gudako’s mind.

The trio came to a stop at the cafeteria counter, with Madelyn coming up to take their order. “Welcome to the cafeteria, what can I get you? We are rationing, so we might not have everything you want.”

“Porridge and fruit,” Lakshmibai quickly ordered.

Nitocris was next. “I will have-”

“Meat, anything you got – even jerky.” Ceanis cut the Pharaoh off. “Also, some oliv-”

“Stop cutting me off!” The Caster elbowed the Lancer, hard.

“Fuck off, bitch! Let me order in peace!” Ceanis shot back with her own elbow strike.

The two soon returned to their fighting and arguing. 

Madelyn looked on, uncertain about what to do. She looked at the rani for guidance, but the Indian Servant could only offer her a shrug. A shadow fell over the two rival Servants. The head of the cafeteria immediately walked backwards all the way into her kitchen for safety, while Lakshmibai no longer felt hungry and beat a hasty retreat as far away from ground zero as possible.

“Why don’t you just shove the staff up your ass!”

“Why don’t you just kill yourself with that spear!”

“Oh, I will-” The Lancer stopped when she felt an arm locked around her neck,  _ tight _ . She glanced over to her nemesis and discovered she was a similar state.

“Come on you two, don’t fight,” Gudako, floating up to their height, urged. “We are trying to save humanity here; we all should be  _ friends _ .”

Great sense of fear came over the two Servants, their instinct telling them no matter what, they would have to  _ get away  _ from their Master.

“O-Of course, Master. I-I was merely… being… casual with Ceanis, here!” The Pharaoh lied, but it was an acceptable reasoning nonetheless. She tried to put on a forced smile.

“Y-Yeah! W-We are just poking fun at each other, l-like friends do,” the Lancer played along.

“I am glad to hear that!” Despite her cheerfulness, Gudako did not let go. “In any event, I just realize you two fulfill the two exact roles we are missing from the Servants here in Chaldea: AOE Lancer and Caster… I mean, Gerry is also an AOE Caster, but he doesn’t really count.” Somehow, the two believed Geronimo would be glad to hear that. “So, it’s only proper we raise your level up. Unfortunately, for the both of you,” Gudako sighed, “we ran out of ‘Roaring Flames of Wisdom’.” They were both sensing a ‘but’. “But worry not! We still have ‘Blaze of Wisdom’ – you just need to eat a lot more of them, that’s all!”

Gudako opened her mouth before vomiting out a gigantic sack. From the opening, they could see hundreds of silver crystals. At this point, both the staff and other Servants were already leaving as quietly and quickly as they could.

“Unfortunately, we don’t have time to make EMIYA cook for us, so let’s do this the old-fashioned way.” Two new arms emerged from Gudako’s body, reaching into the sack and scooping out a large pile of Wisdom. “Open wide!”

“Wait! Master-” Both blurped out in unison, and both were quickly silenced as Gudako began the torturous process of leveling up Servants with nothing but Blaze of Wisdom.

In the end, Gudako Ascended the two Servants all the way to their first level, though at the cost of all their sanity, all her remaining Wisdom, and no small amount of resources.

Now, they were ready for Orlean… not that there was much to worry about, being only the first Singularity and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A short chapter, but I am writing to let people know this story isn’t canceled or anything. Now I will go write one last story in my rotation and we will see how I will do next. Kinda want to finish just one of the stories within the rotation at this point; luckily there’s exactly one that can be finished within a reasonable length. Plus I am still recovering from my second wisdom tooth removal.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Begin on the more series notes and there will be serious moments here and there but overall still a humor story.
> 
> [1] Let stick with the official name and let me come up with some bs to justify it later. Gudao and Gudako will be something of a nickname.
> 
> [2] My first four stars Servants, and after reroll a couple of times, become my permanent first four stars. Since we are on the topic, the Servant I got or fond of will have… let us call ‘higher priority’ in this story.
> 
> Olga: That’s Servant bias!
> 
> Sue me. Don’t worry about meme potential though, Altera is my first 5*... a week after I start playing.
> 
> Gudao: Wh-what?! Do you have EX rank luck?!
> 
> Nah, just A rank. If I have EX I would have also gotten Jack and Nursery from GSSR, but I am happy with Vlad (‘Zarker), Hokusai, and Helena.
> 
> Mash: Stop humble bragging!
> 
> It’s GSSR Banner!? It’s fucking guarantee a 5*! I am not a fucking whale! And I got Hokusai by chance!
> 
> [3] During one of my rerolls I manage to get Stheno and two Cu Chulainn. I quickly reroll again.


End file.
